Stephenie Meyer and the Glitter of Doom
by browniechadowes
Summary: Take 2. The characters of the Twilight series are back, and they are kicking butt and taking names commenting/altering New Moon. Rated M for general lack of a language sensor.
1. Not Gonna Happen

**browniechadowes:** I do not technically own Twilight or its characters… or Stephenie Meyer (thank the lord). Drumroll please!

**Orchestra:** *drumrolls*

**browniechadowes:** Here it is, folks. Second installment of the Renegade Characters, with much protestation from disgusted lovers Edward and Bella, and a slightly irate Stephenie Meyer. Enjoy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Never Gonna Happen**

**Bella's inner monologue:** *takes a very deep breath* _Alright, here we go again._ I felt like I was trapped in one of those terrifying nightmares. But this was no dream, and unlike the nightmare, I wasn't running for my life. I was racing to save something infinitely more precious. _And, what a surprise, here I go again. Wonder who I'm running off to save? Any guesses? Bingo._ Alice had said there was a good chance we would both die here. In failing at this, I forfeited any desire to live. - Jesus, Stephenie, laying it on thick with the melodramatics at the very beginning? Shouldn't you be easing the readers into this? There should be a disclaimer. Side effect: incurable teen angst.

**Stephenie:** You are treading thin water, Bella. You never know… I could just kill you off and create another protagonist for the story. I'm sure Rosalie wouldn't mind.

**Bella:** *scowl* But I've had a break from the last parody. Ya know, time to think, to ponder my placement in this series. Can't we spice it up a little bit? Maybe throw in a little KickAss!Bella? SuperHardcore!Bella? SlightlyLessObsessive!Bella? Can ya give me anything to work with?

**Stephenie:** *raising eyebrow patronizingly* Mmmm hmmm, suuuuree Bella.

**Bella:** Never gonna happen?

**Stephenie:** Nope. *takes out oh so familiar stick and pokes Bella in the rib* Go on now, that's a good girl.

**Bella's inner monologue:** The clock tolled again, and the sun beat down from the exact center point of the sky.


	2. Date with Romeo and a Loofa

**A Date With Romeo and a Loofa**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was 99% sure I was dreaming. I was looking at my Grandma Marie. Gran had been dead for six years now. _Ya, probably a dream… but hey, who knows? I've seen crazier shit. That's why I reserve the 1% to skepticism._

**Dream!Edward:** Bella!

**Dream!Bella's inner monologue:** Agghhhh! Gran didn't know I was dating a super sexy vampire… _although they might get along alright, I mean, in retrospect Gran was closer to his age than me. Argh, must get that out of my head immediately._ How was I supposed to explain that my boyfriend glitters? _Wait, my dead Grandma is staring at my vampire boyfriend, and I'm afraid about the damn glitter again? When will anyone in this God forsaken series get over the fact that sparkles are just not a) scary or b) a problem unless you are standing in a room of six year old girls that haven't seen the inside of a Claire's in a while._

**Dream!Edward:** *puts arms around Bella's shoulders*

**Dream!Gran:** *makes sexy face, spanking the air to her right and licking her lips*

**Dream!Bella:** *realizes she's looking in a mirror at her decrepit old self* ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!

**Dream!Edward:** Happy birthday, _my shriveled human lover._

**Edward and Bella: ***shiver uncontrollably* Uggghhh, what a severely creepy way to start out a novel. *attempt to wash out brains with antibacterial soap*

**The Next Morning:**

**Bella's inner monologue:** *chanting to self* Just a dream, just a dream. _Am not a festering decomposing corpse… think happy thoughts. _

**Alice:** Happy birthday Bella!

**Bella:** Shh! _We do not speak of such things. If I pretend I'm not getting older, I'm not getting older._

**Edward**: So I'm not allowed to wish you a happy birthday?

**Bella:** Correct, sir. _Although you've already brought it up so it kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?_

**Alice:** Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?

**Bella:** Getting older. _Becoming an oober scary, nursing home smelling, Depends wearing grandma._

**Alice:** What time are you coming over?

**Bella:** Can't. Have to_…. Feed Charlie? Do homework? Curl into the fetal position and think of old agedness? _Watch Romeo and Juliet.

**Edward:** I'll bring her around 7.

**Bella:** Okay, I'm pretty sure I said no. Does no one listen to me?

**Edward and Alice:** Tee hee, silly Bella. Of course no one listens to you.

After School:

**Edward:** Happy birthday.

**Bella:** _ARRRGHHH, life support…spider veins…mushed up food._ Shhh.

**Edward:** Your radio sucks ass.

**Stephenie:** We've talked about this, Edward. Maybe a little more emphasis on the arrogance and less on the asshole this time.

**Edward:** _Sure, ruin my fun._ Your radio has horrible reception.

**Bella:** You want a nice stereo? Drive your own damn car.

**Edward:** Wait, why does she get to be a bitch, and I have to be some debonair gentleman?

**Stephenie:** Because, Edward, everyone is secretly infatuated with you and picture themselves in Bella's position. If I made Bella likeable, the reader might not be able to easily replace her, thus causing a downfall in the appeal of my series.

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** Meh, that is actually very insightful of you, Stephenie.

**Stephenie:** *rubs hands together* I'm a master manipulator of hormones.

**Edward:** Be in a good mood.

**Bella:** If I don't want to be in a good mood?

**Edward:** Too bad. No free will, remember my sweet? *dazzle kiss dazzle*

**Bella:** *swooooooooonnnnnnning* Lets go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right? _Ya, I am definitely mature enough to have found the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with._

**Edward:** Your wish, my command. _I love pretending to be docile._ Romeo's a little bitch.

**Stephenie:** Edward….

**Edward:** *sighs, rolling eyes* I've never had much patience with Romeo.

**Bella:** What's wrong with Romeo? _Listen, back off him, my sparkly God. Before you came along, me and Romeo had a few private moments together. Mmmm, good times._

**Edward:** He's in love with Rosaline, he's fickle, he kills Juliet's cousin, and he's an idiot.

**Bella:** Want me to watch alone? _Wouldn't mind a little date with me and Romeo… wonder if Charlie threw out that loofa._

**Edward:** No. Will you cry_? Because I in no way get off seeing you in pain or distressed or sad or helpless or obsessive… ya._

**Bella:** Probably.

**Edward's inner monologue: **Score.

**Emo!Edward:** I envy the ease of Romeo's suicide. You have it so easy!

**Bella:** What? _That's seriously fucked up._

**Emo!Edward:** If you had died last spring, I would have killed myself.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh no he didn't! I'm the one that's supposed to martyr myself. Damn it, the one thing I do better than him. Of course he'd want to take that away too. Attention whore. *sigh* but he is just too damn sexy to be mad at.

**Emo!Edward:** I wasn't going to live without you. I was probably just going to go and piss off the Volturi.

**Bella:** What is a Volturi?

**Emo!Edward:** Very scary, super old, slightly flamboyant vampires who could smite me if I decided to expose the vampire race. But, don't worry m'dear, this will have no further importance in this series ever, because I'm never going to put you in danger again.

**Bella:** Can I get ten bucks on that?

**Charlie:** Hey kids.

**Edward:** Can I borrow Bella for the evening?

**Charlie:** _Baseball._ Huh? Oh sure. _It's not like today's anything special or something._ Say hi to Alice for me. _*frowns* Argh, should not be thinking those thoughts… bad bad thoughts. But really, why hadn't she come over, too?_

**Bella:** *ignoring lusty creepy stare* It's been three days, Dad.

**Edward:** Please don't be difficult tonight. The last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935.

**browniechadowes:** Wait just one second. Didn't Rosalie carry Emmett half dead to Carlisle so he could change him? How does that leave any time for a "real" birthday?

**Stephenie**: *hums to self* I'm sorry, did someone say something, or point out a possible plot hole? Because I have seemed to have gone slightly deaf.

**Edward:** So is there anything you want for your birthday?

**Bella:** You know what I want. _Change me, damn it. I want to be Bella, the super vampire._

**Edward:** Not tonight, Bella. _Not in the mood to try to have sex with you._

**Bella:** Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.

**Edward's inner monologue:** Wait, are we talking about the same thing?

**Bella:** If I develop a picture of you, will you show up?

**Edward:** *laughs*

**Bella: **Ummm, didn't answer my question.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Everyone was there. Rosalie was, once again, channeling her inner Jessica. Had Emmett always been so… big?

**browniechadowes:** *giggling* That's what she said!

**Emmett:** I have to step out for a second. _Wait, I'm in the story to install a car stereo, but when I tear a badass vampire to pieces I get cut? What is that crap?_

**Alice:** Present opening time!

**Bella:** *Opens empty box* Um…thanks.

**Jasper:** It's a stereo for your truck. Emmett's installing it so you can't return it.

**Bella:** _Jesus, they must think I'm a super biotch._

**Alice:** Open mine and Edward's next.

**browniechadowes:** Really, Stephenie Meyer? Way to keep that slashy ship on sailing. Alice and Edward give Bella a joint CD with sexy I love you songs on it? Jesus, Jacob was right, you are not subtle at all.

**Stephenie:** What is this slash you speak of? I know it not!

**Bella:** Shoot! _Ouchie. Paper cut. Ahhhhh, paper cuts hurt._

**Edward:** *slow motion* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _Must stop Jasper. I am going to proceed to make this mishap better by shoving Bella into a table full of glass, causing her to cut her arm consecutively and creating oh so much more blood for my ravenous vampire family to be tempted by. Damn, I'm a genius._


	3. Edward Hugs Stephenie

**Edward Hugs Stephenie**

**Carlisle:** Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside.

**Jasper:** groowllll _bloooooooddddddd!_

**Smug!Rosalie's inner monologue:** No shit, Sherlock. Bring a bleeding human into the house and this is surprising to you?

**Carlisle:** To the kitchen!

**Alice and Edward:** To the kitchen!

**Edward:** *not breathing*

**Bella:** _Cut the hero shit, Edward. I'm the martyr, me!_ Just go Edward.

**Edward:** I'll stay. _*stomps foot* Can't make me go._

**Bella:** Why are you so masochistic? _Actually, he's pretty sadistic when you think about it. Should I delve into that? Blast, no time. Ah well._

**Alice:** Go fetch Jasper. _Ahhhhh that smells yummy, like strawberry cupcakes. *Dashes out of the room, clutching her mouth*_

**Bella:** I can clear a room, at least. _And I didn't even have one of those delicious burritos this time._

**Carlisle:** It could happen to anyone. _Say, anyone else who is dating a vampire and said vampire pushes her into a table full of sharp pointy objects. Happens all the time._ There you are. All done.

**Bella:** Why did you think to try a different way of living than the obvious?

**Carlisle:** _Seriously? Oh I don't know. Maybe because I don't want to be a blood sucking murderer? Hmmm I'll tone it down._

**Orchestra:** *strikes up a gospel hymn*

**Religious!Carlisle:** I believe in God, and I don't want to go to hell.

**Bella:** ? Oh. _Wasn't expecting that one._

**Religious!Carlisle:** Edward thinks God and heaven exist… and so does hell. He thinks he's off to the fiery pit of despair. Edward won't change you because he doesn't want to damn you to hell.

**Bella:** It's my choice. _Hell would be kick ass if I had my lover love by my side. And I'm sure there'd probably be quite a few cool people to hang out with there. Ya never know. Me and browniechadowes could live it up._

**browniechadowes:** *slightly terrified at proposition of an eternity with Bella Swan* Only if you lighten the fuck up, Bella… and get a backbone. Then I could promise you a maybe.

**Bella:** Edward's not the only one able to change me.

**Carlisle:** Oh, no! Not me. That's between you two. _So, I've decided that I'm randomly going to go into Edward's back story. Just for kicks._ His dad died of the flu, his mom was dying of the flu, he was dying of the flu. Basically lots of flu wafting around Chicago, he had green eyes -

**HumanFanficWriters:** Hmmmm, green you say? Penciling that into the story.

**Carlisle:** Before his mom died, she said "Save him! Do everything in your power. What others cannot do." I assumed she'd guessed what I was so I turned him into Vamptastic!Edward.

**Elizabeth Masen:** *rolls eyes* Ummm, I was just under the impression that you were a good doctor. By saying I wanted you to do anything to save him, I wasn't really thinking along the lines of turning him into a human snacker of the night.

**Stephenie:** Oh that's right, you get a say because you talk so much on page *flips through manuscript condescendingly*… oh look at that, you're not on a page. You are NOT allowed to comment.

**Elizabeth:** But FutureSequel!Bella can? Ya, that's fair.

**Carlisle:** *ending rant* Let's get you home now.

**Unemotional!Edward:** I can do that.

**Alice:** Let's get you out of those clothes. _Yes, perfect ploy._

**Bella**: How bad is it? How's Jasper?

**Alice:** Not sure yet. Jasper is very unhappy with himself. _That's a slight understatement. He has taken three months out of his calendar for self-inflicting moping and somber brooding._

In Bella's Car:

**Bella's inner monologue:** *rips bow off of radio* _Stupid bows. I fucking hate bows. Gaaahhhh._

**Bella:** Tell me you forgive me.

**Unemotional!Edward:** _Good God, I didn't think she could get even more pathetic than the last novel. Jesus. _Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut.

**Bella:** It's still my fault. _Strike me down now, lord. I am a terrible girlfriend. I can't believe I gave myself a… PAPERCUT._

**Irate!Edward:** _Oh ya, feel verbal vomit start to come up… and, here we go._ Your fault? If you cut yourself at Mike's with Jessica the worse thing that could have happened is that Jessica would have hidden the band aids from you, or you'd dribble your blood on Jessica's car seat, causing her to call you a slut, and Mike could admire your ass while they stitched you up. You make me disgusted with myself.

**Bella:** Okay, so confused how Mike Newton came into the conversation.

**Edward:** Mike is healthier than me.

**Bella:** *being melodramatic* I'd rather die than be with anyone but you.

**Edward:** Don't be melodramatic.

**Bella:** Stay tonight?

**Edward:** Ugghhh. Okay.

**Charlie:** What happened to your arm?

**Bella:** Tripped

**Charlie:** *snickering* Oh silly stupid Bella.

Bella's Room:

**Bella:** Can I open my presents now?

**Edward:** Allow me. _Her clumsiness has gotten to the point where she can't even freaking open a present without killing herself._

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Jesus, it's not like my clumsiness has gotten to the point where I can't even freaking open a present without killing myself._

**Bella:** Yay, tickets to Jacksonville with you!

**Unenthusiastic!Edward:** That's the idea. *hands Bella CD*

**Bella:** What is it?

**Edward:** It's an elephant.

**Bella:**?

**Edward:** A CD, Bella. _Am still slightly confused as to why Alice wanted to tack on her name along with mine… and why she put "Secret Lovers" on one of the tracks. Ah well._

**Bella:** It's beautiful.

**Edward:** I'm getting you Tylenol *stealthy, sneaky, fast vampire run for no reason*

**Bella:** What are you thinking about? _Please say puppies, or lolly pops, or something else completely reassuring._

**Edward:** I was thinking about right and wrong, actually.

**NearFuture!Bella:** Get out now while you still can!

**Stephenie:** *hits NearFuture!Bella over the head with a keyboard and drags her off into the fangirl corner*

**Bella:** _Hmmm, that did not make me feel reassured at all. Must distract him._ Kiss me!

**Edward:** *staring incredulously at manuscript and runs over to hug Stephenie*

**Stephenie**: *drools*

**Edward:** Score! Do I really get an all out make-out scene? I should be conflicted and about to leave Bella more often. *cue makeout session* Sorry, that was out of line. _But it's about freaking time. I mean, we've been together a long ass time… oh wait *counts on fingers* It's only been around five months? Weird. As dependent as we are on each other, that can't be healthy._

**Bella:** I want you to kiss me again. _Because I have a sneaking suspicion that if you let your mind wander, you might come to a conclusion that will leave me comatose for a few months._

**Stephenie:** *duct tapes NearFuture!Bella's mouth shut* Victory!

**Edward:** You're overestimating my self-control.

**Bella:** Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body? _Please say body, although the whole blood aspect of it is kind of a turn on, truth be told._

**Edward:** It's a tie. _Okay, is it really still not disconcerting to people reading this that I do want to actually drink her blood? _

**Fangirls:** *shake heads furiously*

**Edward:** Oooookay.

**Bella's inner monologue: ***lightbulb* Uh oh, that kiss reminded me of the last time he left me, not knowing if we'd see each other again. But I'm going to push that out of my mind and drift off into the glorious land of denial.


	4. The Sea of Awkward Crickets

**The Sea of Awkward Crickets**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I felt absolutely hideous in the morning. My arm freaking hurt like hell and I had a headache. *Edward kisses forehead quickly and jumps out the window* _Not a good sign._ I was an anxious ball of nerves.

At School:

**Unemotional!Edward: **How do you feel?

**Bella:** Perfect. _Actually I feel like I chugged a bottle of tequila and chased it with tranquilizers. Blah._

***crickets in background* *awkward, awkward silence***

**Bella**: Where's Alice?

**Unemotional!Edward:** She went with Jasper.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I felt so damn guilty. I'd run them out of their home. I was a plague. _Wow, yup, so Steph definitely didn't take my advice. I mean, I got a fucking paper cut. I can be unnervingly sacrificial sometime. *checks ego-meter* Yup, running on empty._

**Bella: **So you'll come over when I'm home, right? _Oh no, why do I have sneaking suspicion that bad things are about to happen?_

**Unemotional!Edward**: If you want me to.

**Bella:** I always want you.

At Work:

**Mike:** *sighing* Look at those boobs today.

**Bella:** ? _So not in the mood_.

**Mike:** How was your birthday?

**Bella:** Ugh, I'm glad it's over.

Bella's house:

***more awkward crickets hop into the scene***

**Bella's inner monologue:** Okay, worst case scenario, me and Edward have to stay away from the family. That's not so bad. And we could visit and stuff… ya.

**FuriouslyIncomingFutureBella:** Gaaaaahhhhh, not the worst case scenario at all! God, Bella, you can be such a dumb fucking whore. *bitch slaps Bella and runs away*

**Bella's inner monologue:** ? *pretending nothing had happened* Okay, I just need to stop thinking… hmmm, let's take random pictures of stuff. *takes picture of Charlie and Edward*

**Charlie:** Why are you taking a picture of me_? I had to eat cold pizza, Bella, COLD. I am not in a good mood._

**Bella:** Because you're handsome. Edward take one of me and my dad.

**Unenthusiastic!Edward:** You need to smile, Bella.

**Bella:** *weird grimace*

**Charlie:** Let me take one of you kids. Smile, Bella.

**Bella:** *weird grimace turned into bizarre teeth baring*

**Unenthusiastic!Edward**: I'd better get home.

**Bella:** Stay?

**Unenthusiastic!Edward:** I'll pass.

**Bella: ***stands in rain like a deer in the headlights*

**Charlie:** Bella, what are you doing?

**Bella:** _Wallowing in self pity_. Nothing.

The Next Morning:

**Edward and Bella:** *walk to class wading through a sea of awkward crickets*

**Bella:** Hey, Jess?

**Jessica:** What? _God, I thought I was out of this stupid parody. Way to go dragging me back in, Bella. You razor burn to my armpits._

**Bella:** Could you take some pictures of everybody?

**Jessica:** Sure. *runs into the bathroom and takes a full roll of glamour pictures of herself* Oops, I think we used all your film. _Mwa ha, you leprosy stricken scarlet woman._

Bella: That's okay.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Why are there so many damn crickets everywhere?

**Edward:** *takes bag of awkward crickets out of his back pocket and chucks some at Bella's head*

Bella's House:

**Bella's inner monologue:** *looking at developed pictures* God Edward was beautiful… _but he is definitely giving me the death glare. He hasn't given me the death glare since the incident with the strawberries and flatulence. Crap, that makes my stomach nervous._ *picks up picture of self and Edward and folds it in half* There, much better. _Good lord, that's not even obsessive, it's just downright sad._ Edward didn't come over.

The Next Day:

**Indifferent!Edward:** Can I come over today?

**Bella:** Sure

**Indifferent!Edward:** Now?

**Bella:** Sure. _Gulp._

**FuriouslyIncomingFutureBella:** *stalks Edward and Bella as they walk along the trail* Well, I tried to warn her. Might as well check out the incoming damage. God, I'm so stupid. And Edward's a sparkly man whore.

**Bella:** Okay, let's talk. *furiously tries to stomp on last remaining awkward cricket*

**Indifferent!Edward:** Bella, we're leaving. *cold, icy stare* _Finally, I get to be a full flaming asshole. This is so liberating._

**Bella:** I'll come with you. _Vacation! I'll just pack my bags and my loofa and we'll be on our –_

**Edward:** My world is not for you. _God, this is awesome. Do I feel bad, a little, but after over three hundred pages of sappy gentlemanliness, this is just pretty fucking cool._

**Bella:** You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay –

**Edward:** As long as that was best for you.

**FuriouslyIncomingFutureBella:** *rolls eyes and flips to page in Twilight* Well, shit, he did say that. But it's not like we agreed to it. Pretty doped up on morphine at the time.

**Edward:** I don't want you to come with me_. Ooooh just got shivers. *cold evil stare*_

**Bella:** You…don't…want me? _Oh God, oh God. Think I am actually going to die *ego-meter lays dead at Bella's feet. PAIN._

**Edward:** No. *takes out bag o' douche and lathers it on himself*

**Bella:** Well that changes things. _That changes everything. What the hell am I going to do for the rest of this parody? This really bites big time. Stephenie, I think I am going to kill you._

**Stephenie:** Oh, Bella, chin up. I'm only going to zonk you into a complete depressed stupor for a few chapters. No biggie.

**Bella:** *contemplates having to be comatose for months* _Ummm, that's not cool. Does not sound fun at all. I much prefer groveling at Edward's feet._ Don't do this.

**Edward: **You're not good for me, Bella. _Would I be completely heartless to say, well no shit? A little? Okay, this badass prick behavior is kinda going to my head._

**Bella:** If that's what you want. _Oh lord. *tries to perform CPR on ego-meter*_

**Edward:** But don't do anything reckless or stupid. Understand?

**OverlyObsessed!Bella:** *nods* Anything you say. _Not like I'm going to do anything reckless the first time I get the chance to hear some hallucination of your voice or anything. Shit, though, how the hell am I going to be able to decide anything when you're gone? My free will ran away from me around the second chapter of Twilight, and I don't think it's coming back anytime soon._

**Edward:** I promise this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back. It will be as if I'd never existed.

**FuriouslyIncomingFutureBella:** I call bullshit for the final time. You both disgust me. I wash my hands of this mess.

**Bella:** Alice isn't coming back.

**Edward:** Nope. Goodbye Bella. Take care of yourself. *final cold dazzle*

**Edward:** *to FuriouslyIncomingFutureBella* Chin up, we get to take a break from the torture that is this terrible parody. Drinks on me?

**FuriouslyIncomingFutureBella:** Mmmm, guess so. Couldn't hurt. Besides, you do kind of owe me.

**Edward and FuriouslyIncomingFutureBella:** *run away before Bella turns into scary and pathetic Comatose!Bella.*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Love, life, meaning… over. _This is the point in time where I travel to the point of no return in being a completely terrible role model for teenage girls worldwide. _*walks, stumbles, falls, fetal position* Perhaps there was no moon tonight- a lunar eclipse, a new moon. A new moon. _Just in case I haven't pounded that in enough for all the readers to realize that the title of the book is being referred to._ *slumps into the ground and becomes… Comatose!Bella*

**Sam:** Bella, have you been hurt?

**Comatose!Bella:** _No shit, I've been hurt. My ego-meter is dead, my sexy piece of undead God left me, and FuriouslyIncomingFutureBella is drinking my sorrows away while I'm stuck in this stupid forest._

At Bella's House:

**Sam:** I've got her. I don't think she's hurt. She just keeps saying "He's gone"

**Comatose!Bella: **_Oops, have been saying that out loud. Guess that's one of the side effects from being in a complete emotional case of despair. _Dad, I'm all wet.

**browniechadowes:** *knows it's a very serious moment and bites tongue from yelling out a "that's what she said" joke*

**Charlie: **That doesn't matter.

**Dr. Gerandy:** Are you hurt? _God, she looks like death._

**Comatose!Bella**: I'm not hurt_. Fuuuuuck, I am so hurt. My heart, it bleeds._

**Charlie:** Did they leave? _Hmmm, on the plus side, no more creepy manorexic Edward hanging around, on the negative side… OH MY GOD, Alice is gone!_

**Dr. Gerandy:** Dr. Cullen asked us not to say anything.

**Charlie:** A little warning might have been nice. _Well, this just all together sucks_.*calls Billy* Hey, Billy, why is there fire on the sea cliffs? And why are they doing that? Uh huh. Really? Well, don't apologize to me_. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Doesn't help that I've been living off of take-out for the past few days._

**Comatose!Bella:** Bonfires?

**Charlie:** Kids from the reservation are celebrating the news. *grumbles and strikes superman pose* _Teach them to celebrate when my little Alice is gone. *slaps self* Wow, that is completely inappropriate and creepy._

**Comatose!Bella:** Where did the Cullens go?

**Charlie:** L.A.

**Comatose!Bella's inner monologue:** _Damn, foiled again. The last place they would really go._ The bright sunlight shimmering off of his skin. _Okay, I know I'm supposed to be comatose and everything, but again with the glitter. It's goddamn sparkles. I have lip gloss more glittery than that. And since it is being repeated over and over, and Stephenie is such a master at subtlety, I am sure this has no major influence over the future plot. _

*runs up to room* CD, gone. _The bastard even took my pictures. Nooooo._ The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now pulled me under. I did not resurface. _And there it is, young females. Moral of the story: when your boyfriend leaves you, you fucking deserve it and should rock back and forth in self-inflicted pain indefinitely._

**Stephenie:** Meh, a little harsher than I would have liked, but as long as they get the gist of it.

**browniechadowes:** *stares unblinkingly with mouth open*

**Edward:** *stops mid-shot to close browniechadowes mouth* Nah, it's not that anti-feminist. I am just so damn good looking that I have that effect on people. Ahhh the perfection that is Edward Cullen. *pats browniechadowes on the head and skips off to take a long hiatus*


	5. Group Therapy

**Group Therapy**

**browniechadowes:** Hey everyone. The next chapter will be up soon, promise. But for some twisted reason, I have grown a little conscience and need to take care of some things. Alright, with a little prodding on my end, we need a little group therapy before we can keep on plugging along due to overall pessimism in the last installment. Edward?

**Edward:** *sighs* I'm sorry I was such a dick in the last chapter. I promise the next time I get to be an ass to Bella, I won't let it get to my head.

**Stephenie:** And I'll try to tone down the anti-feminism… a little.

**browniechadowes:** And I will try not to flip out so harshly against Mrs. Meyer. You might ask, "What's that, browniechadowes? Are you pussying out on us now?" Abso-fucking-lutely not. I am still going to, with my oh so clever wit and charm, comment on the novel as I wish.

**Comatose!Bella:** I'm still depressed.

**browniechadowes:** Group hug?

**Everyone:** *hugs*

**Stephenie:** *tazers Edward for taking advantage of his chance to be a complete flaming ass to Bella.

**browniechadowes:** *hits Stephenie with a twizzler for being slightly chauvinistic*

**Comatose!Bella:** I am in turmoil and am utterly alone. I think I need another hug.

**browniechadowes:** *Runs away before she can feel too bad for Comatose!Bella*


	6. Death Glare Dodging

**Death Glare Dodging**

**October:** Bella is a zombie. Charlie orders pizza.

**November:** Zombie!Bella does some calculus. Charlie eats more pizza.

**December:** Jessica gives up being bitchy to Zombie!Bella. Charlie breaks microwave and eats cold pizza.

**January:** Even Mike has stopped looking at Zombie!Bella's ass (which is a really bad sign). Charlie flops on floor and almost dies of food poisoning from four month old pizza.

**Zombie!Bella's inner monologue:** Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. _Did some one say blood? Vampires, Edwaaarrrdddd!_

**Charlie:** That's it, Bella. I'm sending you home! _I almost freaking died of food poisoning!_

**Bella:** What did I do?

**Charlie:** That's the problem. You never do anything. _And I haven't eaten a real meal in a very very long time. You are a terrible daughter._

**Bella:** Tell me what you want me to do.

**Charlie:** _Get in the kitchen and fix me mah dinner. Meh, better put on the whole father approach. _I want you to be happy- no, just not miserable.

**Bella:** I'm not leaving. _And I am by no means clinging on to the desperate suspicion that said man candy vamptastic boyfriend might come back. Not at all. _I don't want to crowd mom and Phil. _Well, this is at least true. The main reason I left was because of the fact that most desserts are ruined for me now after all the times of walking in on them… oh gross, god think chipmunks, daisies, tomato soup… shit that one's ruined too._

**Charlie:** Bella –

**Bella:** I'll make plans with Jessica. Got to go to school.

At School:

**Mike:** Bella. Are you working tomorrow?

**Bella: **… _Wait, no underlying sexual innuendo? Good lord, what dimension is this? Must have been ExtremeZombie!Bella for Mike to quit noticing my perfect assets._ Tomorrow is Saturday, isn't it?

**Mike:** Ya. See you in Spanish.

**Mike's inner creepy thoughts:** *lone awkward cricket hops around and hums to self*

**Bella:** Jess?

**Jessica:** Are you talking to me, Bella? _You're not even worth my time to be a complete bitch to._

**Bella:** *dodges death glare* Will you go to the movies with me tonight? I really need a girls'

night out.

**Jessica:** Why are you asking me? _Ughh, go away._

**Bella:** You're the first person I think of when I want girl time. *awkward smiley grimace thing*

**Jessica:** I guess I can go with you. _Hmmm, need to vent anyway. And I have missed all of my snarky trash comments about her… ah what the hell?_ My dad saw Dead end. It's a zombie movie. _Hah, so that would be perfect for you, fucking ice queen. You are the psoriasis to my liver._

**Bella:** That sounds perfect.

In Jessica's Car:

**Bella:** Thanks for coming with me tonight. _Get Charlie off my back._

**Jessica:** Why did you suddenly decide… to go out? _Herpes finally go into remission? Find another guy to whore around with? You are the salt to my bloody cut._

**Bella:** _Bloody cut? Eedwaaardd!_ Just needed a change. *twiddles the dial of the radio* Ah like it when you call me big pop-pah! Throw your hands in the aaayerr, if you's a true playyyeerr!

**Jessica:** ?

**Bella:** _I like rap. I really do. I am not listening to this because Edward is about as far away from hip hop as you can get. Not at all._ _Just representin' Forks and the Northwest side. _So what's up with you and Mike these days?

**Jessica:** You see him more than I do. _That's right, pirate hooker. Probably giving him blowjobs in the employee bathroom. Freaking nails in my crucifixion._

**Bella:** *stealthily dodges second death glare* Have you been out with anyone lately?

**Jessica:** I went out with Eric two weeks ago. *rolls eyes* _He wishes he had a chance. At least I only let him get to second base… otherwise I would think that I had no self respect whatsoever. *begins monologueing uncontrollably about VeryExciting!Life*_

At the Movie:

**Movie:** *hot!couple makes out, rolling around on the beach*

**Bella:** _ARRGGGHHH. Luuuurrrvve. Edwaaaarrrd!_ Thought we picked a zombie movie. _Too much emotion! Need popcorn._ I'm getting popcorn. Do you want any?

**Jessica:** No thanks. _Now shut the fuck up, you sty in my eye._

**Bella:** *hyperventilates* _ARGGHH, they showed a couple… holding hands! *slumps into fetal position* Pain._

**Jessica: **You missed everything. _Not that I mind that you were gone, stupid strawberry-smelling bimbo._

**Bella's inner monologue:** The scene kept cutting between the horrified face of the heroine, and the dead, emotionless face of her pursuer, back and forth. And I realized which one resembled me the most. _Aha! That's why I'm so depressed. Stephenie! It makes sense. I'm not the heroine anymore. Wait… that means I have no reason to be in the fucking story. What have you done?_

**Stephenie:** It's an okay theory, but wouldn't the fact that you are still the protagonist and narrating cause you to stop and think that I might not be done having you be the tragic selfless heroine?

**Bella:** Promise?

**Stephenie:** As long as you allow me to make you dribblingly co-dependent, I promise you will find someone to leech onto.

**Bella:** *claps hands* I feel better.

**Jessica:** That was the scariest movie I think I've ever seen. _Wanna know why? Huh? It's because I had to be in a theatre with you for two fucking hours. I was afraid about getting AIDS through osmosis._ Where do you want to eat? _Oh wait, do you eat? Or do you want me to get you a doggie bag so you can throw it all up later?_

**Bella:** *twirls, missing third very sneaky death glare* I don't care.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hey, I think that's one of the guys who dared try to give me back my wallet last year. That bastard. Dark night? Check. Creepy man? Check. Drunk voices and Girly "not a safe idea" Senses tingling? Check and check. *Walks over to men.*

**Jessica:** Bella? What are you doing? _Okay, if she was going to prostitute herself out, I wasn't going to be caught with her. After that last charge, I can't afford to get picked up again._ You can't go into a bar. Are you suicidal? _Please say yes. Then we can get this whole thing over with and your little whore self can leave me alone. _

**Bella:** No, I'm not. Go eat. I'll catch up in a minute.

**DisembodiedVoice!Edward:** Steph, thought choo said I could *hic* havva break?

**Stephenie:** Are you drunk? Oh well. I know I said that, but the fangirls almost killed me when I said you weren't going to be in the book for awhile. Just do a little voice over, pretty please? You don't even have to get up from where you're sitting.

**DisembodiedVoice!Edward:** Mmmmk, but you gwan bee surry.

**Stephenie:** And try not to slur as much. *douses Edward with cold water*

**DisembodiedVoice!Edward: **Bella, stop this right now!

**Bella:** Oh god, have started to hallucinate as well… my ego-meter is dead, my obsession-omiter has been off the charts for pages now, but maybe, just maybe, through some sort of awesomely udead power, Edward can talk to me in my head.

**browniechadowes:** Just because you rationalize hearing voices, it doesn't make them okay. Acceptance is the first step to recovery.

**Stephenie:** *chases browniechadowes out of room with tazer*

**DisembodiedVoice!Edward:** Keep your promise!

**Bella's inner monologue: **Option 1: Crazy as a porcupine in heat. Option 2: My subconscious mind has run amok. Option 3: Sure that won't come up later in the novel or anything. So I'll settle for 2.

**DisembodiedVoice!Edward:** Bella, turn around.

**Man #1:** Can I help you? You look lost.

**Bella:** You looked like someone I knew. Now get away, get away! Don't touch me or hurt me. I have mace and I'm not afraid to use it.

**Man #1:** ? Ooookay, have a nice night.

**Jessica:** What were you thinking? They could have been psychopaths? _And you spent a good ten minutes just ogling them. You suck at whoring yourself out… not that I would know anything about it or anything. _You are so odd, Bella Swan_. And I am being very nice here. Bella Swan is the biggest fucking whore of an idiot I have ever met. She is as comfortable as a UTI. –_ Edward!?!

**Edward:** You called, m'lady?

**Jessica:** Still have those awkward crickets?

**Edward:** Sure do *passes bag to Jessica*

**Jessica:** Thanks. *dumps bag o' crickets all over Bella*

***long awkward car ride thanks to Jessica's use of said crickets***

**Bella:** Thanks for going with me Jess. Sorry about after the movie.

**Jessica:** Whatever Bella. Fucking cunt. She is the tear in a condom.

**Bella:** *dips, ducks, dodges, dives, but is hit by Jessica's Super!death glare* Bye. _Eeek, run away! That was scary._

Bella's House:

**Charlie:** Where have you been? _Still didn't cook me dinner. I am in my own personal Pizza Hut hell._

**Bella:** I went to a movie with Jessica, like I told you.

**Charlie:** Did you have fun?

**Bella:** _Let's see, to sum it up: Jessica gave me death glares all night, hot couple in the movie smothered me in love, reminding me that my oh so sexy and dominating vamp-cicle has left me, talked to a creepy dude who ended up not being a creepy dude, hear voices in my head, and Jessica dumped a bag of awkward crickets all over me._ It was great. Night, Dad.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _I am now going to describe, with much gusto and detail, what it looks like for a teenage girl to emotionally die:_ huge hole had been punched through my chest, unhealed gashes are around the edges that throbbed and bled, gasping for air and head spinning, hands felt blue with cold. Hug self to try to keep said self together. And thus, NotSoZombieOrComotose!Bella is born.


	7. Bolt of Inspirational Lightning

**Bolt of Inspirational Lightning**

**Mike:** Bella, why don't you take off?

**Bella:** _… still nothing?_ I wondered how long that had been going on without me noticing. I don't mind staying.

**Mike's inner pervertedness:** *to Mike* Hey, I'm feeling a little neglected over here.

**Mike:** _What is she looking at?_ Seriously, Bella, as soon as these two give up, I'm closing the place down.

**Mike's inner pervertedness:** *blank abyss of nothingness*

**Bella:** If you want me to go… _Great, now even Mike isn't interested? Not that I crave someone to be obsessively interested in me to the point of taking away my free will, but… gah, seriously? Not a single comment about my ass? Throw me a bone here._

**Bearded Man:** On all fours it was taller than you. Big as a house. _I am just here as a plot device, not that anything I am saying about massive creatures is going to be integral to the story in the near future._

**Brooding!Bella's inner monologue:** _Alright, let's talk about my nightmares._ Bit pit o' nothingness. No zombies, no ghosts, no psychopaths. Endless maze of trees and me searching for the nothing. And it's not even a scary nothing like out of The Neverending Story. But nothing has been seeming to scare the shit out of me, so I scream bloody murder, a lot. _Alright, let's talk about how pissed off I am that I'm not Comatose!Bella anymore._ I mean, without sexy Edward here, the plotline in the novel has become a little boring. At least I didn't have to talk when I was Comatose!Bella. _Alright, now I'm going to bitch about the phrase "never existed"._ "It will be as if I'd never existed." They were just words. As if he'd never existed. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! As if he'd never existed? That was insanity. *thumps head against steering wheel* Oww. _Ahhh, epiphany. I'm going to now turn myself into RecklessAndStupid!Bella to get back at non-existent boyfriend for saying stupid phrase "never existed". Brilliant plan._

**browniechadowes:** This is a hell of a lot of inner monologueing.

**Stephenie:** Meh, keeps the plot moving along.

**Plotting!Bella: ***looks at motorcycles for sale* _Ahaaaa._

**Marks Boy:** Bella Swan? _What was the infamously uncoordinated sex goddess doing here?_

**Bella:** How much do you want for the bike?

**Marks Boy:** They don't work. _And I've seen you around. Not sure you should be let on a motorcycle. Riding me? Fine, but you're a bit of a stumblefuck._

**Bella:** How much? _Bitch, just gimme a bike. Hell's Angels, here I come._

**Marks Boy:** Ummm, just take it. _And take me with you, too. I may look young, but I am hung like a horse._

**Bella:** Are you positive?

**Marks Boy:** Ya, let me help you. They're not light. _And you will probably kill yourself trying to move both feet and carry something at the same time._

**Bella:** Okay thanks! *wrings hands ominously* _Sweet victory._

**Marks Boy:** They haven't worked in years.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Blast. One kink in the plan… If only I knew someone slightly obsessed with me who also had an affinity for fixing cars and such. Damn it, drawing a blank.

**Stephenie:** *hits Bella with a bolt of inspirational lightning*

**Bella:** _Ouch, that hurt. Ooooh, I can totally take advantage of Jacob. Peeerrrfect._ *calling Charlie* I need directions to the Black's place. I want to visit Jacob. _Because I miss him profusely and not because I can oh so easily manipulate him into fixing motorcycles so I can transform into RecklessAndStupid!Bella._

**Charlie:** That's a great idea, Bells.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh Charlie, you have no idea. Am becoming mad psychotic genius over here. *looks at ego-meter as it is resuscitated back to life*

At the Black's:

**Jacob:** Bella! _Oh my god, *victory whoop* this kicks serious ass._

**Bella:** _I am now going to describe in tantalizing detail how Jacob has grown: bright teeth standing in vivid contrast to deep russet color skin. Hair falling like black satin curtains. Tendons and veins prominent under skin of arms. Sharp cheekbones, all childish roundness gone. Oh dear lord, hopefully am not becoming a closet Jacob shipper. That is not canon to my character… at least not until the third novel._ Hey, Jacob!

**Jacob:** Come inside! You're making me wet.

**Bella:** ? _Holy day, have the Bella innuendoes come back full force? *checks stroked ego* This kinda rocks. Yay, feel slightly more happy and slightly less brooding._

**Jacob:** Erm, You're getting all wet.

**browniechadowes:** That's what she said!

**Stephenie:** *glares*

**browniechadowes:** What? I'm sorry I have a dirty mind. You should be used to it by now.

**Billy:** What brings you out here?

**Bella**_**:**__ I am here to manipulate your naïve son into fixing my motorcycle so I can fantasize about my undead boyfriend that left me._ I wanted to see Jacob- I haven't seen him in forever.

**Jacob:** *eyes brightening with false hope* Bella, what do you want to do? _Me, perhaps? Just a suggestion._

**Bella:** What were you doing before I interrupted?

**Jacob:** _Hmmm, well I was heading to the garage to jerk off thinking about you, but you might be uncomfortable with that._ I was just heading out to the garage…

**Bella:** That's perfect!

**Jacob:** Heh.

**Bella:** What kind of Volkswagen is that? _Because I suddenly have sparked an interested in motor vehicles that has never been present before in any of the pages of the novels._

**Jacob:** It's an old Rabbit- 1986, a classic.

**Bella:** Jacob, *fluttering eyelashes furiously* what do you know about motorcycles?

**Jacob:** _Why does she always look like she's having an epileptic seizure?_ Some. Why?

**Bella:** *tripping over self while trying to seductively lean into Jacob* I wonder if you could help me get some bikes running?

**Jacob:** *ignoring blatantly terrible attempt at flirting* Cool. I'll give it a try.

**Bella: **But you can't tell Charlie.

**Jacob:** *looks at manuscript and shoots Stephenie a thumbs up* I get a catchphrase? Cool. And it's not even some melodramatic dribble shit that has anything to do with heroin or lamb chops.*takes breath, preparing self for catchphrase reveal*

**Orchestra:** *drumrolls*

**Jacob:** Sure, sure.

**Bella:** How about I give you one of the bikes and you give me lessons.

**Jacob:** Swee-eet. _I could give you my virginity in return, if ya want._

**Bella:** Wait a sec- are you legal yet? When's your birthday.

**Jacob:** _Hmmm, is she talking about riding the motorcycle or riding her?_ I'm sixteen. _Cross fingers, cross fingers, big money._

**Bella:** Sorry I missed your birthday.

**Jacob:** Don't worry about it. I missed yours. What are you, forty?

**Bella:** _ARRRGHHH must stop picturing me as gran in scary mumu and crinkly arthritis hands._ Close.

**Jacob:** We'll have a joint party to make up for it.

**Bella:** Sounds like a date_. Right, because that isn't going to lead any hormone rampant teenage boy on at all._

**Jacob:** *looks at Bella's chest* These aren't half bad.

**Bella:** *looks at Jacob looking at Bella's décolletage and clears throat*

**Jacob:** *moves gaze to bikes* Oh, those aren't bad either, but they are going to take some cash.

**Bella:** It's okay, _I have totally given up on my future and am willing to spend college funds on being RecklessAndStupid!Bella so I can hear Disembodied!Edward's voice._

**StupidTeenBoy!Jacob:** That makes perfect sense to me!

**Bella's inner monologue:** Only a teenage boy would agree to this: deceiving parents while repairing dangerous vehicles using college money. Jacob was a gift from the gods. _And I mean that in a strictly platonic sense… definitely not interested in Jacob in the least bit… at least not for another 300 pages or so… ya. _


	8. Ice Cubes and Rabbits

**Ice Cubes and Rabbits**

**Bella's inner monologue:** The motorcycles didn't need to be hidden any further than placing them in Jacob's shed. This way we could keep them just out of Billy's reach. Unless his wheelchair sprouted magical wings, there was no way he would be getting into this garage.

**Bella:** Quil and Embry? Those are unusual names.

**Jacob:** _Because I know a million people named Isabella under the age of 60. _They fight dirty if you start on their names- they'll tag team you.

**Bella:** _Well, that's slightly sexual._ Good friends.

**Jacob:** They are, just don't fuck with their names.

**DisembodiedQuileute!Voice:** Jake? Are you out here?

**Jacob:** Yeah.

**Quil:** Hey there, sexy mamma *wink and muscle flex* I'm Quil Ateara. _Jesus, really? Jacob gets "Black" and Embry gets "Call", how the fuck do you pronounce "Ateara"?_

**Bella:** Hi…

**Embry:** Hey, Bella. I'm Embry. You probably already figured that out, though. _However, word around the neighborhood is that you are not the sharpest knife in the chopping block._

**Jacob:** Bella and I are going to fix up these bikes, _and then ravish each other with the aid of my Rabbit._

**JacobEmbryAndQuil'sYChromosome:** CARS, ENGINES, BELLA, MOTORS, OIL, SEX, WRENCHES, BELLA.

**Jacob: **We're boring you, aren't we?

**Bella:** Naw. _Le gasp, I was actually not in a pit of despair feeling sorry for myself and stroking an ice cube thinking of my lost lover love._ But I have to go cook dinner for Charlie. _I am surprised he lived through my four months o' coma. _Can I come back tomorrow?

**Jacob:** _You can cum anytime you want._ That would be great! I'm still not sure you should pay for everything though. It doesn't seem right.

**Bella:** If I took these to a mechanic, how much would he charge me? And not to mention the riding lessons.

**Quil:** *to Embry* hmmmm, riding lessons. Wonder if she'll be giving him some lessons in return? How much does she charge hourly, you think?

**Jacob:** _Uh uh, I am the sole sexual innuendo-er here._ That's it, get out.

**Bella:** No, really, I have to go. See you tomorrow.

**QuilAndEmbry:** Oh my god. How did you get Hottie McStumblefuck to come and hang out with you? She is seeexxxxyyy. WOOOOOOO! I wish she would sit in _my_ Rabbit.

**Jacob:** Oh _God, gross. Am getting very bad pictures in head._ If either of you set so much as one toe on my land tomorrow…

**Bella:** *giggle* _ARGGHHH, why am I giggling? Have forsaken Edwardkins. Must go home and apologize to every ice cube in the freezer. _*feeds Charlie*

**Charlie:** Have fun with Jacob? What did you do?

**Bella: **Watched him work. Did you know he's rebuilding a Rabbit? _Have become very preoccupied with said Rabbit for no explicable reason._

**Charlie:** Ya, he mentioned that.

The next morning:

**Bella's inner monologue:** I'd slept without dreaming. Dreaming or screaming. This couldn't last, though. Wouldn't trust it to stay the same- so easy- as yesterday. Stephenie, do I have to go through the rest of the book all emo and "woe is me"?

**Stephenie:** Just until Edward gets back… I mean… erm… yes. For all eternity because your irrevocable love is gone forever.

**Bella:** I'm going to see Jacob.

**Charlie:** Great idea. Note to self: Bella seeing Jacob= Bella remembering to feed me.

At Jacob's:

**Bella:** So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?

**Jacob:** _Wait, is that seriously written? *looks at manuscript* That is hands down one of the worst jokes in the book. I'll just ignore it and tell her where we need to go._ We're going dumpster diving!

**Bella:** Yay? _I am now going to think about how happy Jacob is: Jacob is a perpetually happy person. He has "happy aura". Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed them. Aaaannnnd… cue Bella/Jacob shippers quoting vigorously right about, now._

**Jacob:** *looks at mutilated dashboard* Um, did the stereo break?

**Bella:** Yea I took it out.

**Jacob:** _Fucking peanuts, she freaking ripped the whole dashboard to pieces. Whereas I should be ever so slightly scared, I instead find this endearing and am starting to become a little Obsessed!Jacob. _You shouldn't touch the motorcycles too much. _But you can touch me as much as you want, my pretty._

**Bella:** No problem.

**Jacob:** *holds up two greasy pipe things* Awwweeesooommmee. *pets them lovingly*

**Bella:** ? I like your friends. Quil's funny.

**Jealous!Jacob:** I think Quil likes you, too.

**Bella:** He's a little young for me.

**Jacob:** Just a year and a few months. _Hey, wait. You said I was legal yesterday. Blasphemous scarlet woman._

**Bella:** There's a difference in maturity between guys and girls. That makes me about twelve years older. _Because I am that much more mature than you. It's not like I would rush across the ocean without explaining to my parents to go save the person who abandoned me and made me Comatose!Bella from glittering all over the place… *flips to near the end of the manuscript* Ah, fuck._

**Jacob:** You have to average in size, too. _And that will be about 12 years added on for me, thank you very much. You can check if you want._

**Bella's inner monologue:** By the time we got back to La Push, I was 23 and he was 30.- he was definitely weighting skills in his favor.

**Jacob:** No Bella, there are just simply not that many things that you are good at. We already gave you points for martyrdom and icicle fixation. I don't really know what else to give ya.

**Charlie:** Bella?

**Bella:** Shoot, Coming!

**Jacob and Bella:** *stumble trip stumble* Bwaa haa, we are so clumsy together. How ticklingly hilarious.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Laughing feels uncomfortable. Should take a note out of Jasper's book and pencil in some hard earned self-loathing for later.

**Charlie:** Billy invited us for dinner.

**Billy:** Super secret recipe for spaghetti.

**Jacob:** Don't think Ragu's actually been around that long.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Ragu? Gahhh, must not think of such an abomination to the cooking world. Can we just go home so I can feed Charlie like usual? Okay, now am going to describe lots and lots of people, who may become central to the plot or who may fade off into Stephenie's dungeon of discarded characters.

**Lauren:** Ya, I'm still there.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Okay, so dinner. Sue tells Harry to eat something leafy (which in no way is foreshadowing a stroke or anything), Jacob talks to me and Seth, Seth fantasizes about doing Jacob on the Rabbit, Jacob fantasizes about doing me on the Rabbit, I fantasize about the Rabbit, and Charlie stares at all three of us fantasizing.

**Jacob:** You think you'll visit again anytime soon? _Was that casual and subtle enough? _Oh, no, Stephenie, please don't make me become Obsessive!Jacob with Bella. I saw what she was like in the last novel. *gets down on knees* please?

**Stephenie:** Ummmm… *ignores Jacob's pleading as she attempts to run away*

**Bella:** Tomorrow after school. I'll take homework.

**SlightlyObsessed!Jacob:** Oh no! Get the SlightlyObsessed off of my name NOW!

**browniechadowes:** Sorry, hun, but you kinda are.

**SlightlyObsessed!Jacob:** *Glaring mutinously at Stephenie* You be sure to do that_. Damn I am going to church more often. The gods must seriously love me. And it's not like they're setting me up for some unrequited love or that after said unrequited love I will suffer in agony until she has a kid that I can creepily imprint on._

**Bella's inner monologue:** *scream* _ARGHH, bad dream: _Alone in the woods with CreepyDream!Sam. He shivers and changes into big wolf thing… Wait just one damn second, Stephenie. There is no way in hell I could dream about this. It's too accurate for it to be a coincidence, what with the whole *whispers* wolf thing that's going to happen.

**Stephenie:** Yes, but Bella we have to peak the reader's interested in some way, even if it makes absolutely no sense and seems at the time to be irrelevant to the plot and could not logistically have taken place.

**Bella:** I'm getting sick of being a literary device.

**Stephenie:** Oh, for goodness sake, Bella. Suck it up.

At School:

**Bella:** Hey, Jess. How was the rest of your weekend? _Should try to make up for disastrous girl-date, even though I though I heard her slightly call me a tear in a condom… must have been hearing things though._

**Jessica:** Super. _Anything compared to that travesty of a Friday would be considered amazing. I could have spent my Friday doing something productive, like blowing Tyler, but nooooo, Bella has to stop being a fucking zombie. Bitch, die._

**Bella's inner monologue:** *shivers and Jessica's SuperBitchy!death glare* The figure of speech cold shoulder seemed to have some literal truth to it.

At Lunch:

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh no, lots of people at table. Feeling slightly nauseous. *sits down as everyone ignores her* Wait, no one fawning over me? No sex jokes? Death glares? Whispers? I feel slightly dejected.

**Lauren:** *unlocking self and running out of dungeon of discarded characters* Where's Ben today?

**Angela:** Stomach flu. Hopefully it's just a 24 hour thing. He was really sick last night.

**Edward:** *popping into scene, stumbling and swaying* NOOOOO! Why??!!?? The flu? The flu fucking sucks balls. Look at me. Friggin' killed me.

**Stephenie:** *consoling Edward* That's right, Edward. *takes bottle away* let's just go lay down now.

**Edward:** *grumbles* fucking flu.

**Jessica:** What did you two do this weekend?

**Angela:** We were going to have a picnic but these giant bear creatures were there, _and may I reiterate that these creatures are being brought back up again for no reason. Not at all. Uh uh. Because Stephenie is too stealthy and subtle for that obvious of a connection._

**Lauren:** Not you, too! Tyler tried to sell me that one last week. _Oh Angela, you insignificant little twit._

**Bella:** No she's right. We had a hiker who saw the bear, too.

**Everyone:** *le gasp* It talks?

**Mike:** *pokes Bella with fork to see if she is actually alive* S-sure. There was a guy who said he saw a huge black bear.

**Lauren:** Hmph. _You suck._

**Mike's inner pervertedness:** It's a miracle! I'm ALIVE!

**Mike:** So, let me reconnect with your backend, Bella?

**Bella:** ?

**Mike:** Uhh, what did you do this weekend, Bella?

**Bella:** Jessica and I went to a movie. Then I spent the rest of the time at La Push taking advantage of a 16 year old guy with a Rabbit.

**Mike:** _Well, that's sexual. I want her to take advantage of me with a Rabbit._ What movie did you see?

**Bella:** Dead end.

**Jessica:** Bella had to leave at the end, she was so freaked. _Hah, take that you infected needle to my heroin addiction._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Heroin? Oh god, think happy thoughts. Gerbils, pansies, Jacob's Rabbit… mmm, all better.

After Lunch:

**Angela:** Thanks for sticking up for me.

**Bella:** No problem.

**Angela:** Are you okay? _I mean you've kinda been dead for the past four months, not that Jessica minded much._

**Bella:** Not completely, but a little better. _I'm down to going through only 4 trays of ice cubes as opposed to 5._

**Lauren:** Oh, joy Bella's back. _Fucking bitch whore._

**Jessica:** *gazing into Lauren's Super!bitchy eyes* I think I'm in love.


	9. Sam's Gay Harem

**Sam's Gay Harem**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing here. Was I trying to push myself back into the zombie stupor? Had I turned masochistic_- wait, did I just say turned masochistic? I'm pretty sure I've been the masochist since, oh, I dunno *flips back through Twilight* the Prologue. Quote self: "__When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end." That's pretty masochistic._

In Bella's car:

**Bella's inner monologue:** I drove slowly into the lane. The words ran through my head. "It will be as if I'd never existed". _Wow, I really can't get enough of that phrase, can I? That makes for about the fifth repetition._ And the house was there. I hit the brakes, but nothing happened. No voice in my head.

**browniechadowes:** You would think that would be a good thing…

**Bella:** *takes out ice cube and stares at house* What's that, Edward? You do love me? You were just kidding? Oh, that's okay Edward, I forgive you.

**Stephenie:** *slaps Bella and takes away ice cube* Jesus, Bella, you can be in mourning, but this is taking it a little too far.

**Bella:** *stares at empty hand*

At Jacob's:

**Jacob:** Let's get to work.

**Bella:** You aren't sick of me yet?

**Jacob:** Nope. Not yet. _Are you trying to jump ahead in the story? I don't get sick of you until you crush my heart in Eclipse._

**Bella:** *looks at bike* Jake, you're amazing.

**Jacob:** _Mmmm say that again._ If I had any brains I'd drag it out a little bit.

**Bella:** ?

**Jacob:** Bella, if I told you I couldn't fix these bikes, what would you say?

**Bella:** _That you've been wasting my precious fucking plotting time thus foiling my plan to hear Disembodied!Edward's voice… but then again, I never would have discovered your Rabbit…_ I would say, that's too bad but we can find something else to do.

**Jacob:** So you'll still come over when I'm done, then?

**Bella:** _Damn, he was on to me. And I thought I was being SuperSneaky!Bella._ As long as you let me come, I'll be here.

**SlightlyObsessed!Jacob:** _I'll let you cum whenever you want._ *clears throat* You like spending time with me?

**Bella:** Yuppers. And to prove it to you, I will force you to do homework on Wednesday.

**Jacob:** _That doesn't seem to make sense at all, but whatever floats your boat._ Here's to responsibility twice a week.

**Bella:** And recklessness every day in between.

**Jacob and Bella:** *gulp lukewarm soda as if heaven had opened up and hurtled them down towards them.

Bella's house:

**Charlie:** *eating pizza* I don't mind. _Yes ahh dooooo. God, Bella, all I ask is that you feed me, clean, be social, and perfect in every other way. Too much to ask for?_

**Bella:** ?

At Work:

**Mike: ***under breath* Let's fuck tonight.

**Bella:** ?

**Mike:** That was fun tonight?

**Bella:** Yeah.

**Mike:** You should see a better movie with me, something you'd enjoy. _Let's make that movie me, and I'm sure you'd enjoy every minute of it._

**Bella:** Oh. _Hmmm, on the plus side, Mike's perverted comments are stroking my ego-meter lovingly, on the negative side, I think his perverted comments want to stroke other things lovingly as well._

**Mike:** Like maybe this Friday. With me.

**Bella:** Like a date? _Ermmm… thanks but no thanks._

**Mike:** It doesn't have to be like that. _We could say it's not and my pervertedness could just jump your bones in the parking lot afterwards… hmmm, not a bad idea._

**Bella:** Maybe next week?

**Mike:** What are you doing? _Not doing me goddamnit._

**Bella:** Jacob. _Oh, that came out wrong._ Homework.

At Bella's house:

**Fed!Charlie**: Hey kids_. Awww, cute little munchkins. Have realized how much food has a play in my overall grouchiness._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I had made lasagna for dinner. Try to – Stephenie, I know I'm supposed to be all self-sacrificial and stuff, but this is crazy. First I try to apologize to Edward for giving myself a _paper cut_, and now I have to say this?

**Stephenie:** I could always feed you to Jessica, if it's really that big of a deal.

**Jessica:** Please? Then we could get rid of her. I will barbecue her ass and serve it with a side of cole slaw.

**Everyone:** ? Weird.

**Resigned!Bella's inner monologue:** I was being good, trying to atone for all the pizza.

The Next Day:

**Jacob:** I believe that… we have a date. *rubs hands maniacally.*

**Bella:** They're done? You are the most talented and wonderful person I know. _In a very platonic and friendly way, of course._

**Jacob:** Ready? *sparkle eyes, sparkle trying to pull an Edward dazzle*

**Edward:** *smirking holding ice pack to head and drinking hangover concoction* Nice try, but only vamptastic me can dazzle Bella. Cute try, though. Carry on.

**Bella: ***watching four people commit simultaneous suicide* No! He just jumped off the cliff!

**Jacob:** Silly Bella, they're just diving off a hundred foot cliff for recreation since La Push is a hell hole of boring and the risk of dying is better than sitting and watching the "elders" mutter about stories that are silly and couldn't possibly be true.

**Bella:** _Hmmmm possible risk of death… probably risk of hearing Disembodied!Edward's voice…_ You have to take me cliff diving.

**Jacob:** Not today. Let's wait for a warmer day. _Although why I am disagreeing to getting to watch a completely soaking wet Bella has escaped me._ Now I am going to monologue about how much I hate Sam. Sam sucks. Sam's followers suck. Sam stares at me like he wants to do scary sexual things to me. Sometimes he beckons to me with his loofa.

**Bella:** It sounds really annoying and… strange. But I don't get why you're taking it so personally.

**Jacob:** Happy late birthday. You ready for this?

**Bella: **I think so. _Hmmm maybe I should rethink this. Am slightly uncoordinated. Ah well. Change of subject. _Jake… What's really bothering you? About the Sam thing.

**Jacob:** The way they treat me creeps me out. He didn't seem to be interested in me until I hit puberty, around the time that I got my Rabbit, and he's been sending me the creep vibes ever since.

**Bella:** Sam treats you special? _Little bit of competition? Oh no he didn't! _

**Jacob: **He looks at me like he's waiting for something. _I think he's waiting for me to run into his waiting arms. _He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. _I have to lock my door at night for fear of Sam coming in and taking advantage of my ripply muscled ass._

**Angry!Bella:** You don't have to join anything. _If he starts batting for the other team, I'm only going to have Creepy!Mike to be obsessed with me… I don't think I could live with that._

**Jacob:** Embry's been avoiding me lately.

**Bella:** _Oh no, had he already crossed over? Blast._ You've been hanging out with me a lot. _It made perfect sense for Embry to be jealous. When not MopingDepressedZombieComatose!Bella, I can be rather sexy._

**Jacob:** Embry looked freaked out. Terrified. Quil and I both tried to get him to tell us what was wrong, but he wouldn't talk to either one of us.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I'm sure there's like a school counselor or something for this type of thing. Maybe we could get a doll and ask him to show us where Sam touched him. That always seemed to work in Law and Order.

**Jacob:** Then this week, Embry's hanging out with Sam and the rest of them. *mutters* _Stockholm Syndrome._

**Bella:** Have you talked to Billy about this?

**Jacob:** Yes, that was helpful. _It actually was slightly terrifying. _"It's nothing you need to worry about now. In a few years, if you don't… well I'll explain later." _I think Sam has become some sort of sultan and has chosen me to be the lead bitch in his gay harem._

**Bella:** *hugs Jacob* Oh, Jake, it'll be okay. Don't be scared, we'll think of something. _I'll keep you from being Sam's gay plaything if it's the last thing I do!_

**Jacob:** If this is how you're going to react, I'll freak out more often_. Hold me closer, you sex puppet._ So are we going to ride or what? _Hmmm, riding you would definitely make me forget about Creepy!Sam._

**Bella:** Let's do it… in a completely non-sexual sense.


	10. Super Bear Wants to Tap Bella's Ass

**Super Bear Wants to Tap Bella's Ass**

**Bella:** Jacob, it won't stay up.

**Jacob:** It will when you're moving.

**browniechadowes:** Tee hee, that's what she said.

**Jacob:** Don't use the back brake, that's for later. Throttle? Gearshift? Ice cube? – Wait, Bella, why did you put that on the list?

**Bella:** *hums to self*

**Jacob:** Okay, Don't let go of the clutch. Clutch is a grenade. It will blow you up if you let go. *Jumps up and down on motorcycle looking like a bizarre jack in the box.*

**Bike:** Snnnarrllll

**Jacob: **Ease up on the clutch.

**Bella:** You want me to let go of the grenade? _But I'd blow up! Shows how much you really like me._

**Disembodied!Edward:** *ruffles hand through hair, whipping out mirror to check teeth, blows kisses at self, and takes a deep breath* This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella. _Listen to my velvety voice of doom!_

**Bella:** Oh! *crushed under motorcycle*

**Disembodied!Edward:** *sticks out tongue* I told you so.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Must hear more. Edward, my lover love, my popsicle of sizzling sexiness was talking to me.

**browniechadowes:** In your head…

**Bella:** Beggars can't be choosers. _Woo hoo,_ let's go again.

**Disembodied!Edward:** Do you want to kill yourself then? Is that what this is about? _Goddamnit, Bella, you kill yourself and I won't be able to come back into the story… hmmm, that is a tempting thought._

**Stephenie:** *tazes Edward and prods Bella*

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was flying. Adrenaline coursed through my veins. _Yesss, speak to me, you sexy multiple personality disorder of mine._

**Disembodied!Edward**: No, Bella! Watch what you're doing! _God, she really was a freaking dense stumblefuck, and yet I love her so._

**Bella:** Brakes, brakes. *slams foot down on brake Jacob told her under no circumstances to use* _Yaaaaa, that was smart._

**Jacob:** Bella! Are you alive?

**Bella:** _No, Jacob, I have died and an evil spirit is now living vicariously through my corpse, allowing it to breath and talk to you._ I'm great. Let's do it again.

**Jacob:** Um, Bella, you're gushing blood.

**Jasper:** *comes out of deep brooding and sniffs the air* Blooooooooooood.

**Stephenie:** *knocks Jasper out and drags him into the pit of discarded characters*

**Bella:** I'm so sorry, Jacob.

**Jacob:** Why are you apologizing for bleeding? _That's right, Bella, get on your knees and beg my forgiveness for bleeding your own blood. How dare you._

**Bella:** _Don't you want to drink me? No? Well damnit it's not my fault. Old habits die hard, and it was kinda flattering to have everyone want me so badly._ I'm fine. It's just a little blood.

**Jacob:** Just a lot of blood. _And I can't fantasize about you properly when you look like a zombie out of 28 Days Later… well, I could try, but bloody sexcapades are just a little too kinky for me. I draw my line at the Rabbit._

**Bella:** I'm an easy bleeder. It's not as dire as it looks. _What in the hell type of teenager uses the word "dire" in her normal vocabulary? _Do I look like I tripped in your garage and hit my head on a hammer.

**Jacob:** Suuuure…

**Bella's inner monologue: **So for no reason, since I am merely friends with Jacob Black, I am going to describe his muscles: Looks older than sixteen, long wiry muscles under smooth skin. Skin so pretty, makes me jealous.

**Jacob:** *trying to figure out creepy stare* What?

**Bella:** Did you know, you're sort of beautiful. _Because I in no way want to lead you on at all. You just are damn gorgeous._

**Jacob:** Hey, I'm supposed to be the one that gets slightly obsessed.

**Bella:** I know, I'm just making sure your obsessiveness is complete with unfounded beliefs that I reciprocate said obsessiveness.

**Jacob:** ? Thanks. Sort of.

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I drop Jacob off after getting stitches and cook Charlie dinner, shocking. Have some more nightmares a la Disembodied!Edward.

The Next Morning:

**Charlie:** Keep close to town, okay? *strikes almighty superman pose*

**Bella:** Oh, the big bear. Do you think there's really some mutated grizzly out there? _We all know how fun irritated grizzlies can be. _

**Edward:** *pokes head in and groans* Did you really try to bring that joke back? Just stop while you're behind.

**Charlie:** Something like that. Keep close to town.

**Bella:** Sure, sure.

**Jacob:** *bitch slaps Bella* That's my catchphrase.

**Bella:** Alright, sheesh. Just thought it was cool. I get sick of repeating _masochistic_ and "_It will be as if I had never existed_". I mean, those aren't exactly catchy or fun to say.

**Jacob:** True

**Bella:** What are we going to do today?

**Jacob:** Whatever you want. _Me. Sex. Rabbit. Garage. Now_.

**Bella:** Let's go to the meadow where I first saw SunSurprise!Edward. It will be fun in a non-creepy, non-stalker, am so over ex-boyfriend way.

**Jacob:** Cool. We'll find it. _I am going to ignore all hints about undead ex-boyfriend and try to be happy and enthusiastic._

Saturday Afternoon:

**Jacob:** Maybe we'll see the super bear.

**Super Bear:** Highly unlikely. I am just a clever ruse thought up by Stephenie to hint to readers that a big animal is out there that will in no way be integral to the plot at any time.

**Billy:** You should take a jar of honey, just in case.

**Jacob:** _Hmmm, honey might come to some good use later._ Hope you're fast Bella. One jar isn't going to keep a hungry bear occupied for long.

**Bella:** I only have to be faster than you. _Oh god, I _would_ be the one to get eaten by Super Bear._

**Super Bear:** Yup, most likely. *takes jar of honey out of Jacob's hand and goes to share some with Emmett*

**Emmett:** *high fives Super Bear* You fucking rock.

In the woods:

**Bella's inner monologue:** Okay, I continue to be Miss ClumsyWhore USA traipsing through the wilderness. Jacob whistles, I trip, shadows don't seem as dark as usual. Not with my – okay, Stephenie, are you positive Bella doesn't have a little thing going on with Jacob?

**Stephenie:** *mock surprise* Bella, whatever can you mean? *taps her behind* Scoot, just move along with the novel.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Not with my personal sun along.

**Bella:** How are things_… with your ass? Still intact? _with Embry? Is he back to normal?

**Jacob:** No.

**Bella:** Still fucking Sam?

**Jacob:** ?

**Bella:** Still with Sam?

**Jacob:** Yup.

**Bella:** Still looking at you funny?

**Jacob:** Sometimes. *shudders* _Sam asked if I wanted to go cliff diving yesterday, sans swimming trunks._ We'll save hiking for Sundays from now on. _You are really fucking slow. _Hope we see the bear tomorrow. I'm sort of disappointed about that.

**Bella:** *bathing self in sarcasm* Me, too. Maybe we'll get lucky tomorrow and something will eat us!

**Super Bear:** I'd tap that.

**Jacob:** Bears don't eat people.

**browniechadowes:** Bears… beets… Battlestar Galactica. (Sorry, Dwight Schrute was threatening to kill me with num chucks if I didn't put that in there).

**Jacob:** We don't taste that good. Of course, you might be an exception. I bet you'd taste good. _Mmmmm, Bella, nom nom nom. Can't believe I just said that out loud._

**Bella:** Thanks so much. _Why does everyone want to eat me? Why?_

**Edward:** Well, I'm a vampire, but I also love you, so I guess me eating you would have double meaning?

**Jasper:** You smell like rank strawberries and for some reason that makes me want to drink all of your blood.

**Alice:** I would never eat you, jut caress you oh so tenderly.

**Mike:** I just want to eat you out or bite your ass, whichever you feel more comfortable with.

**Jessica:** I'd eat you to get you to go away and disappear forever, but then I'd probably die from an STD afterwards… If I cooked you all the way through, would that kill the germs?

**Everyone:** ? Little far, Jessica.

**Jacob: **I'm pretty sure I don't want to eat you. I was just being facetious…


	11. FutureSequel Bella & FutureSequel Jacob

**FutureSequel!Bella and FutureSequel!Jacob Duke it Out**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I am going to talk about how I am still severely angsty and depressed: I was like a lost moon _(see title of said novel_)- my planet destroyed in a cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation. Because I became kick-ass at my bike, Disembodied!Edward started to disappear. _Come back, my disembodied hallucination of love…_

**Jacob:** Happy Valentine's Day. _My sweet cupcake o' love._ *Hands conversation hearts to Bella*

**browniechadowes: **Aha, so that's what they're called.

**Bella:** I'm a schmuck. Is today Valentine's Day?

**Jacob:** _Nope, I just gave you candy hearts and told you Happy Valentine's Day for no reason. I can be random sometimes._ Are you going to be my Valentine? _Hmmm, I'm at least trying to layer my hope with a dash of humor._

**Bella:** *peeks under dash of humor and see's love* Ermmm, what exactly does that entail?

**Jacob:** The usual- slave for life, that kind of thing.

**Bella:** Oh, well, if that's all…_hell, that's not too bad. I'm used to being dominated._

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Wait, did she just agree to be my slave? Stephenie Meyer, you rock my socks. How to use this power? *twiddles fingers ominously*

**Bella:** I'm going to a movie Friday. You'll come too?

**Jacob:** Quil's gonna freak. Senior girls. _And Bella in a dark dark room. Oh the possibilities._

At School:

**Bella:** Are you free Friday?

**Mike:** Yea, I am. You wanna make out?

**Bella:** ?

**Mike:** You wanna go out?

**Bella:** _Down, boy._ Let's get a group. Sound like fun?

**Mike:** Sure. _That sucks. Well, maybe I'll unleash Perverted!inner monologue to seduce her._

**Bella:** Let's invite Angela and Ben and Eric and Katie and Tyler and Conner and Jessica and Lauren.

**Mike:** Who the hell is Katie?

**Katie:** Oh, I've been around, just lounging in the pit of discarded characters.

**Bella's inner monologue:** So, am not as popular as once thought. Everyone cancelled except Angela and Ben, and have a sneaking suspicion that they might fall through.

Bella's House:

**Bella:** No way! You're done! I can't believe it! You finished the Rabbit! _Oh happy day, this is the most amazing moment of my post comatose life._

**Jacob:** This is the maiden voyage. _Wonder if Bella wants to pop its oh so drivable cherry?_

**Bella and Jacob:** *stare at Rabbit, foaming at the mouth*

**Jacob:** *high fives Bella, sneakily twisting fingers through hers* _I am so freaking smooth._ So do I get to drive tonight?

**Bella:** *still drooling* Definitely.

**Jacob: **I remember this guy. _Complete choch._ The one who thought you were his girlfriend. Is he still confused? _Looks like he's surviving on only a few brain cells._

**Bella:** Some people are hard to discourage. _Note to FutureSequel!Jacob: I am subtly trying to tell you that if you are pushy you will get nowhere, unless you have dead skin, suck the blood out of animals, and can dazzle me with your vampire senses. Until then, no deal._

**Jacob:** Sometimes persistence pays off. _This in no way foreshadows the way I may or may not act when I turn into WerewolfDick!Jacob._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Yep, so Angela got the flu and Ben wouldn't go without her.

**Edward:** Flu?!?! Gah, the world is doomed, doomed I say!

**Stephenie:** *takes Edward by the hand and passes him off to Katie to take care of*

**Katie:** What? I'm stuck in the pit of discarded characters. Not like I have anything else to do.

**Fangirls**: Groooooowl.

**Jacob:** I'm still up for it. But if you'd rather stay behind, Mike-

**Mike:** _The only behind I'll be staying by is Bella's._ No, I'm coming. _Hopefully not for the only time tonight. Crap, think snowboarding, dentists, the Rabbit, my mom and Bella with the Rabbit… goddamn, I haven't gotten any better at this._

At the movies:

**Jacob:** *hands Bella money* I'm not old enough to get into this one. _Curse me and my underagedness._

**Bella:** Is Billy going to kill me if I sneak you in?

**Jacob:** I told him you were planning to corrupt my youthful innocence, _and with that, he gave me a package of condoms. Will you corrupt me if I let you ride in my Rabbit as much as you want?_

**Bella:** *continues to strip Jacob of all positive moral values*

**Jacob:** *sniggering* Haha, the blood squirted twenty feet out of that guy. How fake can you get?

**Bella's inner monologue:** So Jacob and I begin to laugh maniacally at people getting bludgeoned to death, while Mike looks like he wants to bludgeon Jacob.

**Jacob and Mike's hands:** Death trap position tactics! Aaaand, go!

**Bella's hands:** Retreat! Retreat!

**Mike:** Urghh, gonna be sick.

**Jacob:** He's in the bathroom. What a marshmallow. _Wait, I like marshmallows. They are all gooey and fluffy and sugary… but I digress. _You should hold out for someone who laughs at gore that makes weaker men vomit. If you ever find someone… _not that he's standing by you, has an awesomely sexual car, is your slave master, or is named Jacob Black. _

**Bella:** I'll keep my eyes open for someone like that. _Oh silly Jacob, ever since you greeted me with my slut of a whole first name, you have been doomed to friendshipdom._

**Jacob:** *prepares to dive across friendship line and puts arm around Bella*

**Judges:** Overall… 7.0. Points for having the balls to do it. Points deducted for execution.

**Bella:** Jake.

**Jacob:** *hand rapes Bella* You like me, right? Better than Pukey McPuke face over there?

**Bella:** Yes.

**Jacob:** Better than any of the other guys you know?

**Bella:** Better than the girls, too.

**Bella/Alice Shippers:** *mutinous death glare* Jacob Black must die.

**Jacob:** As long as you like me the best. And you think I'm good looking. I am going to be annoyingly persistent. Because I'm not giving up. I've got loads of time.

**Bella:** _Okay, am I completely insane or did I just tell him that Mike annoyed the shit out of me by being persistent? *thumbs through manuscript* Well, look at that, I did. Meh, might as well lead him on a bit. Not that I get any satisfaction out of getting to be the sadist for once._ I can't imagine how I could not like being with you.

**Jacob:** I can live with that. That's a funny scar you've got. How did it happen? _Jesus fucking Christ, it was as cold as an igloo. Oh no, I thought I had cut her off from the ice cubes. How did she slip one past me?_

**Bella:** ? _Well, considering it's a bite from a conceited man o' the dead, ya, it might be a little cold._

**Flu!Mike:** You mind leaving early?

**Jacob:** Movie too much for you? _Heh, what a pansy. Great and manly me will never succumb to the flu._

In the Rabbit:

**Jacob:** Cold, again?

**Bella:** You're not? You must have a fever or something. *touches Jacob* _ARGH, the fire!_ Jake, you're burning up.

**Jacob:** _Why thank you, sweet-ums_. I feel fine. But your hands are freaking icy.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _I am now going to attempt to sound guilty, even though I'm pretty sure I'm just kidding myself._ Pure selfishness. I was an empty shell. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order. _But I'm going to keep using him, because I need him and I am a selfish whore. *Rabbit hits a bump* Ooooh, what was I bitching about again?_

**Jacob:** I think you might be right about the fever. I feel a little… strange.

**Edward:** *yelling from the bottom of the pit of discarded characters* Stay away from the light! And if a doctor says he can save you by turning you into a blood sucking dead person, just say no.

**Katie:** Shhhh, there, there. You'll be fine. *sneakily grabs Lauren's stupidly oversized Louis Vuitton bag and knocks out Edward* God, he can be annoying sometimes. I forgot why I enjoyed being a minor character.

**Bella:** Will you call me as soon as you get in?

**Jacob:** Sure, sure.

**Bella:** What is it, Jake?

**Jacob:** I'm going to tell you something corny. _You've got that right. Am I the only character with enough balls to admit out loud how cringingly sweet some of this shit dialogue is?_ I want you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down. You can always count on me. I would never, ever hurt you.

**FutureSequelBella:** *stomps into the scene* Alright, this is fucking enough already. First I try to tell you about Edward, but noooooo, sweet ice-pop can do no wrong. And I doubt you'll listen to me now *grabs Bella's face* You are a hopeless fucked up case, m'dear.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *ignoring FutureSequelBella* The truth was wrong, it would hurt him. I would let _him_ down.

**FutureSequelJacob:** Arghhh, earth to Jake! Did you hear that? Run away while you still can. She's a scarlet woman whore of the night!

**FutureSequelBella:** Mmmm hmmm, and you're going to be soooo much better. *flips furiously through manuscript, trying to find damning evidence*.

**browniechadowes:** Um, guys? You need to save this for the next installment… I mean, you duke it out now, and there will be nothing left to parody. *FutureSequel!Jacob and FutureSequel!Bella start bitch slapping each other*. Ughh, do I need to put you in the fangirl corner? Because, mark my words, I will do it.

**FutureSequel!Jacob and FutureSequel!Bella:** *resignedly walk away, slapping each other when possible opportunity arises.*

**Bella's inner monologue:** I needed Jacob now, needed him like a drug. _*lightbulb* Ooooh, so that's what Edward was talking about._ He was my best friend. I would always love him, and it would never, ever be enough. – Steph, why? I mean, I love him, he loves me, we get along fine, he makes me happy, and he doesn't want to kill me every time he kisses me. What's the hold up?

**Stephenie: ***sighs* Bella, Bella, Bella. Edward is your irrevocable love siren. He is the lion to your lamb. You are his heroin. He's the only reason you should still be alive.

**Bella:** But…

**Stephenie:** Don't argue with me on this one.

**Bella:** But really, wouldn't it be a great ending just to…

**Stephenie:** *opens bag of bagels and tears through three of them*

**Bella:** _AGGHHH! Poor little bagels._ Alright, alright.

**Billy:** Jacob was… _transforming into a hairy furball of man-wolf?_ too sick to call. He's not feeling well.

**Bella:** Let me know if you need help. I could come down.

**Billy:** No. Stay at your place. _And may the fiery demons of hell drag you down if you even attempt to come here. Grrr._

**Bella's inner monologue**: Ughhh stomach flu. Not good. *pukes exorcist style*

**Edward: ***being restrained by a pissed off looking Katie* NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

**Charlie:** You want anything? *shiver* _Please say no. I don't know how to deal with vomiting children._

**Bella:** No, thanks.

The next morning:

**Bella:** *on the phone* Jake, you sound horrible.

**Jacob:** I feel horrible.

**Bella:** Don't you have the stomach flu?

**Jacob:** No. _Way off. Let's take lupus-like mythical creature syndromes for 500, Bob. _Every part of me hurts. _And I mean EVERY part of me. This had not been all that pleasant. You try going through puberty in a total of two months._

**Bella:** What can I do, Jake?

**Jacob:** _Me. Nope, too miserable to even think about that._ You can't come here. I'll call you when you can. Gotta go.

**Bella:** I'll see you soon.

**Jacob:** *in Marlon Brando Streetcar Named Desire tone* Beeee-lllllaaaaaa!


	12. The Damnation to the Confederacy

**The Damnation to the Confederacy**

**Bella's inner monologue: ***reads through manuscript* Alright, we're summing this bitch up. Basically, Jacob's gone AWOL, Jacob has mono, Jacob doesn't have mono, Jacob avoids me, and I decide to search for Edward's magical meadow.

**Stephenie:** Gah *chucks piece of bagel at Bella*, three pages slashed to pieces! And everyone was doing so well in this sequel. Bella, I thought we had an understanding. I gave you an icy sex god AND a steamy best friend with an amazing car. What else do you want from me?

**Bella:** Less flowery chapters and stronger plot points?

At the meadow:

**Bella's inner monologue:** My eyes focused on the motionless figure, seeing the stillness, the pallid skin.

**Fangirls:** Edward! *swoon*

**Bella:** Laurent!

**Stephenie:** *chuckle* psych!

**Fangirls:** Damn.

**Jasper:** Send in the hounds! One's got away. Long live white supremacy!

**Laurent:** *Ignores Jasper* Bella? When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they'd moved on.

**Bella:** They did move on. _Leaving me empty, alone, and left to pleasure myself with ice cubes and cars._

**Laurent:** _She smells of fresh baked baguettes, brie with almonds, and is that?... shit flavored strawberries?_ Do they visit often?

**Disembodied!Edward:** _Shit. Had she really put herself in danger again? God, and I thought I was going to get a break from this ridiculous parody. She is hands down the biggest drama whore I have ever met._ Lie.

**Bella:** _AHHH! Edward! Hooray, must run into dangerous hungry vampires more often *adds to list of Stupid!Bella things to do*. _Now and again.

**Laurent:** I've never stayed in one place for so long. I'm surprised that they can keep it up for long. Sometimes I cheat.

**Bella:** Erm, Jasper has problems with that, too.

**Jasper:** You did not just compare me to him. This is damnation to the Confederacy! Take them both away! To the gallows!

**Stephenie:** Jasper, dear, we're not in the nineteenth century… you can't just sick dogs out on Laurent because you feel like it. *plucks noose out of Jasper's hand*

**Jasper:** *slinks away, penciling furiously in his datebook*

**Bella:** Did Victoria ever find you?

**Laurent:** Yes, I came here as a favor to her. She won't be happy about this.

**Bella:** ?

**Laurent:** _God this girl is slow._ About me eating you. _My little gateau. My vin de vivre._ She'll be angry.

**Disembodied!Edward:** Threaten him. _Not that I think this will work, but I've been bored the last few chapters and think it would be pretty entertaining to have her try to intimidate Laurent. Sadistic? Maybe just a little._

Bella: _Hmmm, as good of an idea as that sounds, Edwardkins, I do not think that me threatening a vampire will be all that affective._ He'll know it was you. You won't get away with this. _Ya right, even I don't believe that._

**Laurent: ***chuckles at lame threatening attempt* And why not? This is nothing personal, Bella. Just thirsty. _Still friends?_ I'll be quick. If you knew what Victoria had planned for you… _hmmm trying to remember the plan, something about tomato soup and a loofa. Doesn't sound all that pleasant to me, at least._

**SlightlyInsaneBella's inner monologue: **Edward, Edward, Edward. Edward, I love you. _God, I think I just threw up a little bit in my throat. Am disgusted with my dependent obsessive self. Urghh, am washing mouth out with soap later._

**Laurent:** Sacre bleu! I don't believe it.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Wait… is that Super Bear? No… ahh it's a long muzzled huge black horse monster wolf thing. Aghhh! Lots of horse monster wolf things._ I looked into the _russet_ colored one's eyes and thought of Jacob, _again, for no reason whatsoever. Just because its fur is the exact color as Jacob's skin and his eyes remind me of Jacob._

**Everyone:** *waits for Bella to make the connection*

**Bella:** What?

**Laurent:** *runs away with hands in the air screaming something about gay harems*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Then I was alone. *scramble, stumble aimlessly, fall into spruce tree, tangle hair with sap. *sob* I am a physical and emotional tranny mess.

**Charlie:** Where have you been? _God, she looks like a tree crapped on her._

**Bella:** I was hiking.

**Charlie:** What happened to going to Jessica's?

**Bella**: I didn't feel like being bitched out and degraded today.

**Charlie:** What happened?

**Bella:** I saw the bear wolf horse thingy. And there are five of them.

**Charlie:** No more hiking_. You didn't make me dinner._ Are you hungry? _Hint, hint, because someone else is._

**Bella:** Just tired.

In Bella's room:

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Argh, Laurent, Victoria, Charlie being a snack, haven't seen the Rabbit in a week, oh my life has gone to hell!_ To calm myself, I fantasized the impossible: I imagined the wolves catching up to Laurent and massacring him the way they would any normal person. *flips through manuscript* - Wait, Steph, isn't that what really happens?

**Stephenie:** Bella, quit peaking through the manuscript or I will be forced to give it to you page by page.

**Bella:** But wouldn't it make more sense just to wait and come to that conclusion later, thus cutting out repetitiveness?

**Stephenie:** *glares* Not if you're trying to reach a 150 page minimum.

**Dream!Bella:** I will now, not seductively at all, describe Dream!Victoria: black, thirsty eyes bright with anticipation, gleaming teeth. Red brilliant hair, blowing chaotically around her wild face… Should not be turned on… should not be turned on. Oh god, think I am bi. *presses fist against mouth to keep from screaming*


	13. This is a Chagrin and Masochistic Story

**This is a Chagrin and Masochistic Story**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I miss Jacob. Tuesday: Called Jacob, no answer. Wednesday: Called every half hour (in very non-high school stalkerish way after boyfriend breaks up with you). Thursday: Sat in truck debating driving down to La Push. Friday: Epiphany! Jacob avoiding me. Charlie saying he looked strange, upset. Billy's unhelpful answers. Holy mother fucking shit!

**Stephenie:** *clears throat* Bella…

**Bella's inner monologue:** *rolls eyes* Holy crow! Jacob had joined Sam's gay harem cult. Oh no.

**Bella:** *on the phone* I'm worried about Jacob.

**Charlie:** Why?

**Bella:** I think… I think something weird, _and kinky and wrong,_ is going on down at the reservation. Jacob told me some strange stuff happening with the other boys his age. I'm scared.

**Charlie:** _Ermm, am I supposed to give her the puberty talk now? That's awkward. I mean, she's 18, I thought she knew how most of it worked._ What kind of stuff?

**Bella:** I think he's part of Sam Uley's gang.

**Charlie:** Sam Uley? You've got it wrong, Bells. Sam is a great kid… well, a great man now. _Hmmm, should not go into details there._ Good son.

**Bella:** Jacob was scared of him. _And with good right. God *shivers* do not want to think about what he's being subjected to. I just hope they're not defiling his car, too._

**Charlie:** Don't worry about Jake, Bella. I'm sure it's nothing.

At Jacob's:

**Bella's inner monologue:** Jacob had changed: hair cropped short, thick neck and shoulders, enormous hands with tendons and veins… _and Eeek! Sun!Jacob has imploded becoming Asshole!Jacob._

**FutureSequel!Bella:** *Gets popcorn out of microwave* Meh, I warned her. At least it'll be entertaining to watch. And, score! FutureSequel!Jacob owes me ten bucks.

**Jacob:** *looks a Stephenie* Dude this is so not cool. We have DepressedBrooding!Bella, Bitchy!Jessica, Disembodied!Edward, and now Asshole!Jacob? Where the hell is the comedic relief going to come from?

**Stephenie:** This is a _chagrin_ and _masochistic _story. No need for petty comedy.

**Bella:** The whispering about your lack of humor been getting to you?

**Stephenie:** *sticks head further down into bowl of denial* I am very witty and clever.

**Jacob:** Gah, guess I don't have a choice, do I?

**Bella's inner monologue:** *watching Jacob's Super!death glare* I wanted to be fierce and deadly. Someone who would scare Sam Uley silly. I wanted to be a vampire… _well, there's a shocking revelation for you. Me? Want to be a vampire?_

**Asshole!Jacob:** What do you want? _Oooh, wait, Steph, I see what you're getting at. I feel all tingly inside… this could be pretty badass._

**Edward:** Just don't take it too far, otherwise brownichadowes' conscience is going to perk up and then we'll all be stuck doing another group therapy… and that was just really friggin' unpleasant.

**Bella:** I want to talk to you. Alone!

**Asshole!Jacob:** *Sam and Asshole!Jacob speak freaky Quileute language which is never mentioned before, and Sam leaves* It's not what you think. I was way off.

**Bella:** _Ooookay, so no gay harem…_ What is it, then?

**Asshole!Jacob:** I can't tell you.

**Bella:** I thought we were friends. _Damnit this sucks. I'm going to be stuck listening to the swooning pervertedness of fucking Mike Newton._

**Asshole!Jacob:** We were. But no one can help me now.

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuuum.

**Bella:** What did he do to you? *takes out anatomically correct doll from pocket and shows it to Jacob*

**Asshole!Jacob:** Don't touch me. _Urgghhh, have now started to realize how very annoying she could be… and am very disconcerted by the fact that she carries naked dolls around with her. Weird._

**Bella:** Who should I blame, besides Sam?

**Asshole!Jacob:** Your filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much. _Ya, I said it. I went there. Straight punch to the ovaries. God, am being a giant dick._

**Bella:** ?

**Asshole!Jacob: **_Wow, she seems to be losing brain cells by the page._ _Maybe I should have been more precise, as she obviously has more than one group of blood munching friends._ The Cullens.

**Bella:** What are you blaming them for?

**Asshole!Jacob:** Existing. _Sounds fair enough to me._

**Disembodied!Edward: **Quiet, Bella. Don't push him.

**Asshole!Jacob:** Shut the fuck up, Disembodied!Edward. I'm not going to hurt her.

**Disembodied!Edward:** Give him a chance to calm down.

**Asshole!Jacob:** Seriously, Disembodied!Edward. Not helping.

**Bella:** _Argh, too many voices in my head. The people, the people!_ You're being ridiculous.

**Asshole!Jacob:** I won't argue it with you. The damage is done.

**Orchestra:** Bum, bum, buuuuuummmmmmm

**Asshole!Jacob:** *Knocks trumpet out of musicians hand* Let's cut the dramatics, alright?

**Bella:** What damage? _Oh no, maybe should talk to a doctor about this. STD's? Depression? Anal fissures? *shivers*_

**Asshole!Jacob:** Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore.

**Bella:** Are you… breaking up with me? _Wait *flips through novel*, when did we start dating?_

**Asshole!Jacob:** Sorry, Bella.

**Groveling!Bella:** Maybe if you gave me some time… just don't quit on me now, Jake.

**Jacob:** *in a southern drawl* I wish I knew how to quit you.

**Stephenie: **Jacob, please don't distract from my story by inserting gay cowboy quotes, no matter how hot the cowboys may have been.

**Jacob:** God, sorry. I've just become so brooding and prick-ish, just though we needed to lighten the story up a bit.

**Asshole!Jacob:** I'm not good. I know what I am.

**Bella:** _*feeling her Achilles heel o' love (dangerous bad boys) being pierced by Jacob's comment* Gah, that makes me want him so much more._ Jake- don't!

**Asshole!Jacob:** Sorry Bella.

**FutureSequel!Bella:** *popping last bit of popcorn into mouth* Told you so. *rolls eyes* Just get on with the self-loathing/basking in pain and get it over with.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Not as bad! Not as bad!

**Edward:** *pops head in* Told you she liked me more. *checking self out in the back of a spoon*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Not as bad, but bad enough. Must curl into fetal position and give into incessant nightmares. Good plan.

**Dream!Bella's inner monologue:** Jacob was new, bitter, graceful Jacob. Russet color changed to white. Eyes gold, no crimson, no gold.

**DreamAsshole!Jacob:** *morphs into Dream!Edward*

**Dream!Edward:** Ewww, this is creepy. Run away.

**DreamAsshole!Jacob:** You're telling me. Bella can have some fucked up dreams.

**Bella:** Argghhh someone's scratching on my window. Can no one use the freaking door?


	14. Someone Stole my Inner Funny!

**Someone Stole my Inner Funny!**

**Edward:** It's okay… just take a swig of this *holds up whiskey to browniechadowes face*

**browniechadowes:** *takes drink* I dunno what's wrong… I think I have lost my funny!

**Jacob:** Nah, it'll come back. Just rest on it for awhile.

**Alice:** I'll take care of Bella while you sit it out for a bit. *winks at Bella as she scoots away*

**browniechadowes:** I don't know what's up... maybe I should combine a few chapters… *flips through "Intruder" and "Killer"*

**Stephenie: ***perks up at browniechadowes saying she is going to butcher her precious story* NOOOOO! Not a possibility. *hides something behind back*

**browniechadowes:** What's that behind your back, Steph?

**Stephenie:** Noooothing?

**browniechadowes and Stephenie:** *duke it out, old school style, as browniechadowes recovers object from behind Stephenie's back*

**browniechadowes:** Aha! No wonder! Stephenie, why did you steal my funny?

**Stephenie:** *mutters something about not being witty enough*

**browniechadowes:** Avid readers, I regret to inform you that it might take me just a little bit longer to get the next few chapters up… due to some seriously needed bonding time with my inner funny. But don't you worry, I'm sure it'll take me a few hours at the least and a day at the most. Never fear *winks*. Stephenie can't get rid of me that easily.


	15. Parody BabyMaking Heaven

**Parody Baby-Making Heaven**

**Bella's inner monologue: **ARGGHHH!! _Was the window scratching really necessary? That's one of those sounds that makes you want to gouge your eyes out. *picks up pencil and starts to jab when…*_

**Asshole!Jacob:** Bella! Ouch! Damn it, open the window! OUCH! _Okay, so I would just like to clarify myself… *strokes own ego* When I come into Bella's room late at night, I wake her up and let her know I'm there. I do not: a) stare at her lovingly, yet creepily, as she sleeps. b) listen to her talk in her sleep. c) sing her haunting undead lullabies. Or d) fantasize about doing extremely kinky things with her._

**Edward:** *pops head in window* Ya right. At least I only watched her out of chaste curiosity.

**Asshole!Jacob:** Really? Really, Edward? No dirty thoughts about, say, strawberries?

**Edward:** *blushes* Touché. Alright, well Bella and I have both already come to the conclusion that I am pretty el creepy.

**Asshole!Jacob:** Yaaaaaa.

**Bella:** _What are you doing? And why the hell did you have to scratch your nails against the glass like a banshee? It probably would have been just as effective to knock…_

**SlightlyLessAsshole!Jacob:** I'm trying to keep my promise!

**Bella:** Get out! _You're being creepy. And all seats for creepiness are reserved in the far right corner for Edward. Sorry, tickets are sold out._

**Jacob:** I came to apologize. _Alright, so it might not completely be for Bella… let's just say I had to talk to an IrateFutureSequel!Jacob. He made me pay him ten bucks for a lost bet. Stupid._

**Bella:** I don't accept.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *puts hands on Jacob's bare chest* _Should not find this a turn-on at all_. But skin is so hot. He looked huge.

**browniechadowes:** That's what she said! That's what she said! Aha, take that Stephenie. Inner funny and me had a few dates and we are in parody baby-making heaven.

**Bella:** *trying to ignore package of Asshole!Hotness in front of her* I don't want apologies from you, Jake.

**Jacob:** I want to explain- But I can't explain. I wish I could.

**Bella:** *attempts to take out anatomically correct doll, only to realize doll has mysteriously disappeared*

**Sam:** *Off by himself in the woods* Yessss, we won't let her take you away ever again. *strokes doll lovingly*

**Jacob:** Bella, haven't you ever had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone? Something you had to keep from Charlie, from your mom? Something you won't even talk about with me? Not even now?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Uh oh… are we going to have a mutual coming out party? Not sure I'm ready for this…

**Alice:** *crosses fingers* big money, big money, no whammies…

**Jacob:** Riddle me this: What's big, furry, likes to howl and lick things, and hates anything vampirish?

**Bella:** _browniechadowes?_ I don't know why you came here if you were just going to give me riddles instead of answers.

**Jacob:** You already know. I already told you everything!

**Bella:** ? _So it was the harem?_

**Jacob:** Guess my secret! Hold on, let me see if I give you some help.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I hope to God he's not going to pop out a picture of Clay Aiken. There's only so much I can take in a night.

**Clay Aiken Fans:** Clay is soooo not gay. He just artificially inseminated a friend 20 years older than him so he could raise the baby by himself… and that editorial in the magazine where he said he came out? Pure magazine fodder, I say!

**Jacob:** Remember the first day we met- on the beach?

**Bella:** Of course I do. _Was it Mike? I thought I could feel some sexual tension in the movie theater…_

**Jacob:** Tell me about it.

**Bella:** We talked about the Rabbit… _mmmmm, Rabbit._

**Jacob:** *snaps fingers in front of Bella's glazed eyes* Keep going. _Getting hot._

**Bella:** You told me scary stories.

**Jacob:** _Hotter._ You remember all the stor-

**Bella:** All the stories?

**Jacob:** _Don't interrupt me, bitch!_ _But you're so close, red hot, hehe double entendre._ You know this, you know this.

**Bella:** I'm exhausted. Maybe in the morning…

**browniechadowes:** Hmmm, am slightly disconcerted. That's what my boyfriend says to me.

**Bella:** Isn't there any way for you to get free?

**Jacob:** I'm in this for life. A life sentence. Longer, maybe. _Since when did I become the melodramatic character? Thanks a crap ton *chucks browniechadowes' discarded twizzler at Stephenie*_

**Bella:** What if we ran away? Just you and me_. It'll be like in Titanic… and we will defy social classes and love each other and you can carve nudie figurines of me and we can have hot sex in the Rabbit and then… oh, shit, well that doesn't turn out so well for you, does it?_

**FutureSequel!Jacob:** Bad, bad idea. *swipes ten dollars away from FutureSequel!Bella*

**Jacob:** Can't run away. I've got to leave. It's not safe. I'll try to keep my promise. And for God's sake quit being such a fucktard and figure this out on your own, Bella.

**Stephenie:** Jacob, you cannot call Bella a fucktard, no matter how true it may be. *puts hands over mouth* And holy crow, Jacob, you just made me say fucktard… arghh, again! *runs off to put bar of Dial soap in mouth*

**Bella:** Use the door. Charlie's not going to catch you. _Please, will someone, anyone, use the damn door? As flattered as I am, I have some pretty gross habits when I think I'm alone and not being watched all stalkery like. *shivers, kicking loofa and tomato soup under bed*_

**Dream!Bella:** Jacob, what's wrong?

**Dream!Jacob:** Run, Bella, run! *picks up box of chocolates and bucket of Bubba Gump Shrimp and starts chowing down.*

**Dream!Bella: **Jacob!

**Dream!Bella's inner monologue:** *Jacob poofs into bear horse wolf thing* ARGGGHH! *lightbulb* Oh… *punches self in tooth for stupidity at obvious connection*

**Bella:** Werewolf.

**Everyone: **Really, Bella? It took you almost half way through the whole series to figure that out?

**Bella:** *points to self* Me. Bella… Be-lla. Does the amount of time it took me to figure this out really surprise any of you?

**Everyone:** *watches as last surviving awkward cricket hops around, chirping loudly*

The next morning:

**Bella:** I have to go see Jacob.

**Charlie:** No stops on the way. There was another wolf attack. _And we can't have you being killed by any mutant wolf things… I went through four months of moldy pizza and refuse to do that again._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh no, was Jacob a monster? I mean bonafide "Get in mah belly!" monster? Nope, that is some major bullshit. If my ex-lover love could keep from eating me, Jacob better not be lathering me in barbecue sauce any time soon.


	16. Two Furbies Get It On

**Two Furbies Get It On**

**Jacob and Bella:** So, we have successfully bound and gagged Stephenie in the corner for the travesty that we are about to commit.

**Stephenie:** Mmrgghhfttt.

**Jacob:** So, Bella, want to start Super!Condensing?

**Bella:** Why thank you, Jacob, I thought you'd never ask. So… I think Jacob's a killer beastie wolf thing. Jacob thinks I'm a hypocrite. I realize Jacob isn't murdering dog and he realizes I am not a hypocrite.

**Jacob:** Well, not as big of a hypocrite as I thought you were.

**Bella:** *glare* Right, well I find out Laurent is dead, but Victoria is after my stumbly, but oh so delectable, ass.

**Mike:** *emerges out of pit of discarded characters wearing a cool whip bikini* Did someone mention Bella's ass?

**Jacob:** _… Anyway_, meanwhile I tell Bella that I have psychic wolf power. And I bring up Edward

**Bella:** Which makes me clutch my oh so wounded heart.

**Jacob:** And I go take Bella to be introduced to some pissed off werewolves.

**browniechadowes: **Thanks so much, you guys! *releases Stephenie*. Now, on to the next chapter!

**Stephenie: ***stares into the deep abyss whispering "15 pages, gone, gone, gone"*

Outside the forest:

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I was looking for a pack of wolves when four really big half-naked boys came my way_. Mmmmm, me likey. My best friend should become a werewolf more often._

**Paul:** Why can't you just follow the rules, Jacob? I'm sure the leech-lover is just dying to help us out. _Grrrr, she is the probe to my colonoscopy._

**Jessica:** *reaches cool whip sticky hand out of pit of discarded characters* AHHHHHH! Who said that? I think I'm in love…

**Jared:** Jeez, Paul. Get a grip. _Such a freaking drama queen. He sounds like some self-centered teenage girl._

**Paul:** *poofs into furry hairball*

**Jacob:** *poofs into furry hairball*

**Paul and Jacob:** *fight like two Furbies getting it on*

**Sam:** Take her to Emily's. _Well this kinda sucks. God, she looks like one more mythical episode could have her keeling over._ You're not going to faint or puke or anything?

**Bella:** I'm pretty sure I only faint… let's see… *flips through manuscript* at the sight of finger pricking, vampires biting me, and giving birth to demon babies… oh, and kissing Edward, of course.

**Sam:** Okay.

**Jared:** Bet you ten bucks Paul leaves a mark.

**Embry:** You're on.

**Jared:** Five bucks she throws up before getting to the house?

**Embry:** Ummm, maybe I'm reading too much into this… but not all Native Americans gamble…

**Stephenie:** Sure, honey, sure. *pats head condescendingly*

**Embry:** Don't stare at Emily. It bugs Sam.

**Bella:** ? _Jesus, I'm not that obviously gay… am I?_

**Embry:** So bloodsucker in the meadow wasn't your friend? We don't want to break the treaty.

**Bella:** How would _they_ break the treaty?

**Embry:** If they bite a human.

**Bella:** Shit. *adds another problematic element to the list of "Why I Should or Shouldn't Become a Vampire"*

At Sam and Emily's:

**Emily:** So, you're the vampire girl.

**Bella:** *staring intensely at un-mauled side of face* Yes. Are you the wolf girl?

**Emily:** Ummm, *left side of face* I guess I am. Heh, that's funny. *right side of face* Quit staring you insensitive jerk. *left side of face* Are you hungry? Have a muffin. *right side of face* Be sure not to choke on it as you try not to ogle me.

**Emily and Sam:** *PDA, PDA… grope… tongues… loofa*

**Jacob:** *clears throat as Sam stashes doll and loofa under the table* Okay, guys, I know what the redhead wants. She's after Bella.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Well, I didn't –

**browniechadowes:** Don't you say a damn word, Bella. I told you, no crazy shipping is allowed in this parody. None. I already have Alice trying to bang you every other second, Jessica is basically foaming at the mouth for Lauren, Charlie is out to get some underaged ass, Sam is doing some pretty kinky things with dolls, and it's not long before the Edward/Jacob shippers will be out for blood. Just say no.

**Bella:** *not-so-innocent eyes* I have no idea what you mean.

**Jared:** Excellent, we've got bait.

**Jacob:** Bella is not bait.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Wait, is this a chance at martyrdom? I wanna be bait! Stick a hook in me, I'm ready to go!

**Sam:** Jacob thinks you should spend as much time as possible in La Push. For purely unselfish reasons… _to make sure you're safe, and not to fantasize about taking you into his secluded garage, or trying to mouth rape you or anything… well, not yet._

**Bella:** Okay! _Yay, I have a date with the garage and a certain vibrating automobile…_

**Jacob:** Don't be afraid tonight. _Super!Jacob is here to save you. Ya, take that all you Edward/Bella shippers._

**FutureSequelJacob:** Ermm, dude, I wouldn't boast just yet. Let's keep what little dignity you can save intact, k?

**Jacob:** ?

**Bella:** I won't worry about myself. _Of course. I will not worry about mortal, naïve and extremely incompetent me… Instead I will worry about my beastie furry friend that has killed a vampire and probably wouldn't have any trouble doing it again. Brilliant._

In Bella's Room:

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Hmmm, wonder if Edward m'love had killed people while I was there if I would still have the hots for him?_ Love is irrational. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made. Wait, Stephenie?

**Stephenie:** I'm not sure I want to talk to you, Bella. You've mutilated a full CHAPTER in my novel.

**Bella:** Awww, c'mon Steph, It wasn't really needed. *tosses Stephenie one of her last ice cubes*. Better?

**Stephenie:** *stroking ice cube* A little. So what is it?

**Bella:** Am I trying to imply here that if Edward was a mass murderer, I would still be utterly and irrevocably in love with him?

**Stephenie:** *ignores Bella and starts to talk quietly to the ice cube*

**Bella:** Riiiighhht.


	17. Trapped Forever in a Series of Doom

**Trapped Forever in a Series of Doom**

**Bella's inner monologue:** So, I spend most of my time brooding over people calling me Jacob's girlfriend… _Wait, didn't I ask if he was breaking up with me a few chapters ago? *flips back a few pages* Yaaaaa, so I kinda have a problem with leading him on a bit._ When we walked along the beach now, he always held my hand… but his hand felt nice and warm. _So sue me, I like a toasty hand… and Edward never did make me that hot cocoa with marshmallows…_

**Mike:** Are you screwing that kid from La Push?

**Bella:** Not in the technical sense of the word. He's my bff.

**Mike:** The guy's head over heels for you. _And I'd put my head over my heels for you… maybe? No?_

**Bella:** I know. Life is complicated. _And I have cold hands. Want to make an issue out of it?_

**Mike:** And girls are cruel. _Where is Jessica? I need an analogy… oh screw it, I can't stop fantasizing about that ass… cruel, cruel, bad girl ass with a- God, need to stop that._

In the Garage:

**Bella's inner monologue:** Jake and I skipped out to get some privacy. We sat in the Rabbit. Ohhhh ya.

**Orchestra: **Bow chicka wow wow.

**Jacob/Bella shippers:** Hmmm, privacy in the garage, you say? *continue to furiously write smutty fanfics*

**Bella:** *touching Jacob's hand* Is that a wolf thing, the heat? _Because it might come in handy some day when I'm stuck in a tent of icicle freezing my ass off. Just in case. Not really a plausible possibility…_

**Jacob:** Yup. _I am one hot half-naked hunk o' teenager._

**Bella: **And you heal fast?

**Jacob:** Yeah, wanna see? It's cool *starts to stab self with knife*

**Bella:** _ARGHH! What the fuck? That is messed up. _No, I do not want to see. Put that away!

**browniechadowes:** You know what I want to say…

**Jacob:** I'm not miserable. Not anymore. That was hard, you not knowing, before.

**Bella:** What's the hardest part?

**Jacob:** *looking down* _Oh thank God… thought I was giving myself away there for a little bit._ Who wants to be a nightmare, a monster?

**Bella: **Is it hard?

**Jacob:** _Gahhhh!_ *looks down again* _Really, she needs to stop with the innuendoes._ ?

**Bella:** To find yourself again?

**Jacob:** Oh. It's easier for me because I am genetically doomed to be furry.

**Bella:** What's the best part?

**Jacob:** The speed. _Ummm, but I can definitely pace myself. Rest assured there, my sex puppet._

**Bella:** I'm going to go off on a rampage about the Cullens and reiterate a lot of stuff that everyone already knows, k?

**Jacob:** Meh, let's just skip it.

**Bella:** Okay.

On the Beach:

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh God, feel it coming… yup, definitely going to have some mental vomiting… aaaanddd: Cullens, pain in chest, Edward, vampires, ice cubes, strawberries, can't breathe! Abort to fetal position!

**Jacob:** _Jesus H. Christ. That is truly a pathetic sight_. _*pokes Bella with stick, not wanting to infect himself with UltimateDepressive!Attitude*_ You need some fun. You up for some cliff diving tomorrow?

**Bella:** Sure, I'm up for it. Fun. _*severely unenthusiastically waving streamer* Woooo, I am so much fun._

At the Beach (again):

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I monologue a bit about the weather. Clouds, no wind, clouds, clouds, clouds, angry waves… _Alright, enough of this shit. I want to hear Disembodied!Edward._ My hole has been festering lately – eww, Steph, that just doesn't sound pleasant or right. Sounds like something Jessica would come up with. _Okay, am going to go cliff diving solo, baby. Peeerrrfect!_

**Disembodied!Edward:** Bella.

**Bella:** Yes? _My little fudge pop? My frozen yogurt of undead passion?_

**Disembodied!Edward: **Don't do this_. I mean, really Bella, .. I am having too much fun not having to drag my sorry ass into this story, and I have a sneaking suspicion that if you go through with this, I will be trapped forever in a series of doom._

**CrazyHallucinating!Bella:** You wanted me to be human, well, watch me. _Tee hee. Take that!_

**Disembodied!Edward:** Please! *pleading first to Bella and then to Stephenie* No, Bella! _Arghhh… this is so not fair. *takes tazer from Stephenie and tries to shoot Bella, but misses by a good 50 feet*_

**Everyone **(minus Alice and Edward, who are attempting to hide eyes behind Stephenie's pile of mutilated bagels): Jump, jump, jump, jump!!!!

**Orchestra:** *Drumrolls*

**Bella:** *screams and falls off cliff* Yes! _Awesome. The voices have returned! *current catches her* Oh shit. Well, hmmm, didn't really plan this one out too well._

**Disembodied!Edward:** Keep swimming!

**Bella:** No shit, Sherlock. Any other outstanding advice? Throw me some floaties? Toss me my rubber ducky?

**Disembodied!Edward:** Fight! Damn it, Bella, keep fighting.

**Embry:** *pops head in* Five bucks on the current?

**Emmett:** You're on, man!

**StupidCrazyHallucinating!Bella:** Isn't my life supposed to flash before my eyes or something? _Nope, not seeing it… still, nothing._ Aha, Edward. Happy place! _Mmmmmkay, don't really need to live anymore_. Goodbye, I love you.

**Bella:** *stares in shock at end of chapter*. Ummmm, Stephenie, did you just off my character? That's rather anti-climactic.

**Everyone:** *rolls eyes at Bella* Yes, Bella, I'm sure Stephenie killed off the main character half-way through the series.

**Edward:** In fact, I'm sure Stephenie will kill off at least one other minor character, especially if there happens to be a supposedly super badass vampire showdown… not.

**Stephenie:** *puts fingers in ears and hums "Put the lime in the coconut" to self*


	18. BellaJacob Shippers Jack Off

**Bella/Jacob Shippers Jack Off**

**Jacob:** Breathe! Breathe, Bella! C'mon. _We haven't even gotten to first base yet. You can't die on my now. Ummm, CPR, Heimlich maneuver? What the hell, I'll just beat the crap out of her chest until the water comes up._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Owww, that was stupid. Thanks for tossing over a life vest, everyone.

**Embry:** God, I suck at this betting thing.

**Jacob**_**:**__ It's ALIVE! *maniacal cackle* _Are you okay? Do you hurt anywhere?

**Bella:** J-just m-my throat. _Ugghhh, this is severely unpleasant. Almost as bad as that time I wanted to see what my super foamy soap tasted like… it looked so edible. Don't judge me._

**Jacob:** Why would you jump, Bella? Couldn't you have waited for me?

**Bella:** I was stupid. _So sorry I wanted to her the disembodied voice of my ex-chiseled man meat. And it didn't really help that everyone was shouting "Jump, jump"._

**Jacob: **Harry Clearwater had a heart attack this morning. _For some reason, I had a feeling chasing cheeseburgers with bacon fat was a bad idea…_

**Bella:** What can I do?

**Jacob:** _Me?_ Stay here. I'll get you some dry clothes. _She needs to take those off, now. Ehhh, is it bad that I'm thinking dirty thoughts when she looks like a half-drowned mole rat? Probably. _

**Bella:** I'm too tired to move yet. Just stay with me_. Damn it, in the whole Titanic scenario, I wasn't supposed to be the one that drowned. Ah well, at least he didn't leave me hanging off the side of a door surrounded by dead bodies…mainly for the reason that I seem to find cold dead bodies a turn-on and would most likely engage in an act of necrophilia. _

**Bella's inner monologue: **Hmmm, wonder what would have happened if Romeo ended up being a complete asshole and left Juliet… _She'd probably do Paris. That's something to chew on. Meh, but she'd probably fantasize about Romeo while doing the dirty with her best friend._

**browniechadowes:** Don't judge. That's not so uncommon…*hides Romeo and Juliet under bed covers.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Could I live like that? Maybe I should do it…

**Alice**: *seeing vision of Bella and Jacob mid-coitus* Oh, uh uh, that's not happening. Isn't se supposed to be dead? *runs out of Stephenie's grasp, stealing Carlisle's car*

**Billy:** Sorry if I woke you. *tear*

**Bella:** _Uh oh, that must mean Harry bit the big one… kicked the bucket… met up with Stephenie's delete button._ I'm so sorry. _Huh, so Stephenie actually did kill off a character…_

**Characters in the Pit of Discarded Characters:** *shudder*

**Jacob:** I'll take you home.

**Bella:** Right. How will you get home?

**Jacob:** I'm not going home. _Have very important Buffy-esque vampire slaying duties to do._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Am now going to monologue about Jacob.

**Bella/Jacob shippers:** *salivate*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Need to stop being cruel cock-tease._ Should stake a claim, tell him everything. He would take me, _I mean, he's been SlightlyObsessed!Jacob for a while now… oh the conundrum!_

**Jacob:** Sorry. I know you don't feel the way I do, Bella. I'm just glad you're okay. I could sing.

**Orchestra:** *strikes up romantic love ballad*

**Jacob:** Ermm, not going to actually sing. This fanfic is bad enough without my musical expertise…especially what happened after the school pageant. Don't ask, puberty, arias, and one too many margaritas is a threesome that should never happen.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Right there… should kiss shoulder. Mmmm bare shoulder.

**Bella/Jacob shippers:** *start quoting lines, furiously jacking off to future smutty "in Bella's truck" sex scene.

**Edward:** Be happy. _Ha ha, whereas that is supposed to seem like I am oh so fine with pubescent Jacob running off into the sunset with Bella, I am merely implementing reverse psychology. Take note guys. I am a master at work._

**Jacob:** Holy crap! Vampire. I can smell it. _Dammit. Gah, can the persistent yet slightly asshole friend character not get a break? I mean, I'm sure even Mike's getting more action than I am._

**Mike:** *pops shaving cream covered head out of pit of discarded characters* Mmm, yup. Too bad you're a major character, or you could join us down here. *grabs loofa, furbie, ice cream, anatomically correct doll and can of tomato soup and dives back into the pit*

**Bella:** Stop! It's not Victoria. I want to go back. _Could it be? Le sigh. My vamptastic beasties have returned! _

**Bella/Jacob shippers:** *abruptly stop furious masturbation* What about Jacob?

**Bella:** Jacob who?

**Jacob:** There's a vampire in your house and you want to go back? _Alright, I give up. She is a class A certified vamp hag. _

**Bella:** Of course. _Durrr. Jacob, have you not been paying attention throughout this whole series?_

**Jacob:** Take yourself back, Bella. *shivers due to pent up sexual frustration and morphs back into Asshole!Jacob*

**Bella:** Jake, it's not a war!

**Jasper:** Did someone say war?

**Asshole!Jacob:** Bye, Bella. I really hope you don't die. _Die, bitch, die. God, being the best friend sucks balls. I have a newfound respect for Duckie, all the guys in There's Something About Mary, and Alice._

**FutureSequel!Jacob:** Ummm, ya, pay up FutureSequel!Bella.

**FutureSequel!Bella:** Nope, we're one and one. Evened up. Can we call it a truce and agree that both of ourselves are incompetent little bitches when it comes to the whole Bella/Jacob ship?

**FutureSequel!Jacob:** I guess so. Wanna go piss off Jasper by quoting some Martin Luther King?

**FutureSequel!Bella:** Don't have anything better to do.

**Bella's inner monologue:** It was so black. The light flicked on, even though I hadn't found the switch. _Seriously? Does everyone just find it necessary to barge into my house without knocking? I have no privacy. _I blinked into the sudden light, and saw that someone was there, waiting for me.

**Applauding!Fangirls:** Edward!!!!!!!

**Stephenie:** *trying to hide a giggle* Tee hee.


	19. The Magical Land of Denial

**The Magical Land of Denial**

**Bella:** Come in, Jacob.

**Asshole!Jacob:** *rubs self with essence of sarcasm* Slumber party?

**Bella:** Yeah. _Alice spent hours upon hours making crazy lesbian vampire love to me._

**Asshole!Jacob:** How long is she here for?

**Bella:** It's an open invitation.

**Asshole!Jacob:** Are the rest coming back now? _SuperSuave!Edward makes me want to eat my own vomit._

**Bella:** No.

**Asshole!Jacob:** _Aghh, crap, stupid best friend syndrome. This so can't be healthy. Why in God's name am I apologizing?_ Sorry Bella, broke my promise.

**Bella:** You'll still be my friend, even though I love Alice, too?

**Alice:** She loves me? Oh rapturous day, oh happy-

**browniechadowes:** *taking leftover casserole from Charlie's dinner and dumps it on Alice and Bella* NO. Both of you get a fucking grip on yourselves. ..Shipping. Jesus, Stephenie, look at what you give me to work with.

**Stephenie:** It's not my fault you have a perverted mind and can't see the beauty behind a strong and sensual friendship. *attempts to hide pit of discarded characters where massive orgy rages on*

**Alice:** *pouts* If I keep it to myself?

**browniechadowes:** … okay, but nothing out loud. It will confuse the readers and cause waves of slashing fanficcers to bust a cap in my parody.

**Jacob:** I'll always be your friend, no matter what you love. _This sucks._

**Bella:** This sucks.

**Jacob:** Well at least we're on the same page. *sniffs* Eww, you smell… Blech. Sweet and icy. _Like bits of panther. It stings the nostrils._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Note to self: Really must try to take care of personal hygiene more often.

**Jacob:** You… love her. So I'd better not get anywhere near her. _Man, this girl has some serious issues._ That's the way things are, Bells.

**Bella:** I do not like the way things are. _Can't we all just live in the magical land of denial? And I can love Edward, and Jacob can love me, and Mike can love me, and Alice can love me, and Charlie can love Alice, and Jessica can love Lauren, and Phil and Renee can have kinky love with Charlie, and Sam can have his harem, and we all can pass out free loofas and congregate in Jacob's Rabbit? Too much to ask for?_

**browniechadowes:** Okay, everyone, thanks to Bella, the bag of shitty shippage has hit the floor. Please stand aside while someone cleans this crap up. In the meantime, Steph, can you just take care of one ship at a time? Really? I'm getting a migraine.

**Stephenie:** *plays rock, paper, scissors with self* Ooookay. *with a flourish, hands manuscript to Bella*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Oh, wow. Did not see this one coming…_ *clears throat* His face reflected mine, then his expression changed. Trails fingertips down my jaw. Finger tremble. Palm against cheek.- Are you sure you didn't replace the manuscript with a harlequin romance novel?

**Stephenie:** Hmmm? *hides ripped cover from book featuring Fabio*

**Jacob:** *crosses fingers* Bella. _Please, let me get to first base… please let me get to first base._

**Bella/Jacob shippers:** Uuuuhhh huuuuhhhhh *drool spilling out of bated breathed mouths*

**Indecisive!Bella: **No!... yes? Not my Jacob. Could be my Jacob. I loved him. Comfort, sun. So what if he can't be a prince and wake me up from my enchanted sleep. – _Am I really putting that much pressure on the poor guy? No wonder he hasn't gotten any from me. I mean, I'm expecting fucking prince charming to lay one on me. That's kinda a tall order._

**Jacob:** *bending face closer*

**Edward: ***calls Bella's phone* _Hee hee. Note number two: If the love of your existence is about to kiss her best friend, prank call her pretending to be your dad and ask to talk to her dad. Works every time._

**Jacob: **_Fuck! Really?_ He's not here. He's at the funeral. _Vampires are friggin' cock blocking me to kingdom come. *sexual frustration gets the best of Jacob again, as he changes back into Asshole!Jacob* Ooooh, I'm starting to see a connection here. Get major cock blockage= become annoying dick._

**Bella:** Who was it?

**Jacob:** Your boyfriend pretending to be his dad trying to call you because he thinks you've jumped to your death and he wants to see if he should kill himself in retaliation or not.

**Stephenie:** Jacob!

**Jacob:** Don't worry. Bella's too thick to get it anyway.

**Bella:** ? *stops looking at fly on the wall and remembers that Jacob had been talking to her* You listen to me, Jacob Black-

**Asshole!Jacob: **Bye, Bells. _Gah, where's Mike? I'm going to see if there's a spot in that pit for me._

**Bella:** Alice, what's wrong?

**Alice:** _Wait, tell me she heard that too? I mean, I was outside eavesdropping on their conversation when Jacob said… God she really is slightly idiotic, in a lovably pathetic sort of way. Umm,_ Edward. *on the phone* Rose, I need to talk to Carlisle now.

**Rose:** No can do, sister. He's out. Oh, and fyi, I kinda told Edward that Bella bit the bullet.

**Alice:** Why?

**Rose:** Ummm, I hate Bella because she smells rank and Edward doesn't want to fuck me silly?

**Alice:** Edward thinks you're dead.

**Jacob:** Pretty sure I let that one slip a few seconds ago…

**Alice:** Bella, Edward believed Rosalie. He's going to Italy.

**Bella:** Well, that's stupid. Can't even eat spaghetti. Am slightly put out that he would want to go gondola cruising right after he found out I died. Well, so be it Edward. Enjoy the coliseum, stupid pick pockets, and Italian whores…

**Everyone:** *looks at Bella incredulously*

**Emmett:** *cough* Volturi *cough*

**Bella:** ? _Ooooohhh, I figured that little tid bit of info might come back. Hey, he owes me ten bucks. _Wait, but he didn't want me anymore! How dare he! _Damnit, now he gets to die and be the damn martyr. I have been working my ASS off this whole series to end up being the fucking saint. This blows chunks. Must stop him, if it is the last thing I do._

**Alice:** There's a very good chance that if we go to Volturi they will eliminate us all. _Hey, don't look at me. I had to say something to make sure she'd go. Brooding vampire death = a happy Bella._

**Bella:** This is what's keeping us here? _Durrrhhh. I gave up caring about my own life a LOOONG time ago… actually about the same time I caught Renee and Phil with that loofa. I probably need some counseling… or a hug._

**Jacob:** Don't go. Please, Bella? _Oh no, feel some seriously embarrassing groveling coming on…_ You could stay here with me. You could stay alive. For me. Don't die Bella. Don't go. _Goddamnit, not even first base. There's no way I'm getting any action any time soon, is there? This novel officially sucks._

**Bella/Jacob shippers:** Here, here!

**Bella:** Bye, Jake. Feed Charlie for me, and change his water at least three times a week, and scratch him behind his ears. He likes that. Jake? *picks up piece of tennis shoe* Damn. Looks like Charlie's in for a rough few days.


	20. Glitter of Doom

**Glitter of Doom**

On the Plane to Italy:

**Bella:** Tell me everything, Alice. Why can't Emmett and Jasper come to help us?

**Emmett: **Good question. So far I have been cut from a fight scene, installed a car stereo, and now you guys are going to confront some badass old as balls vampires and I get stuck at home? This blows. Can I get a refund?

**Super Bear:** I know, I know. I'm not even a real character. Want the rest of the honey?

**Emmett:** Eh, alright.

**Alice:** Because Edward can read minds and would see them coming, and I don't want Jasper to die.

**Bella:** _Well that's a little selfish of you. _Who are these Volturi? _For some reason I just keep picturing the three vultures in the Jungle Book… that can't be normal._

**Alice:** Five make up the family and then there's the guard. They enforce the rules.

**Bella:** There are rules? _Thanks for telling me, everyone._ Shouldn't somebody have explained them to me?

**Alice:** It's not that complicated. You can figure it out yourself.

**Bella:** *strains from exerting all power of mental capacity* Nope, no idea.

**Alice:** _Damn it, I forgot. It's Bella_. Vam-pires: Sca-ry. We *gestures around her* keep secret *puts finger up to mouth*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh. Dear God, *flips through novels* looking back, I think I've been losing brain cells by the page number. Wonder if Edward's kissy venom is affecting my brain? That would explain all the fainting spells. Oh no, am going to be mentally challenged by the time he actually tries to change me.

**Stephenie:** *looks through Breaking Dawn and frowns slightly* Oops.

**Alice:** Doubt they've had a situation like this. You don't get many suicidal vampires.

**browniechadowes:** Whatever. Have you ever even read Dracula?

**Bella:** At least the Volturi will get us if we mess up. _Would rather be vampire snack then face the world alone without my lover love. It's not like I have a family, or friends, or someone else I love back home or anything._

**Alice:** _Knock of the martyr crap, Bella. It's annoying._ Now let me concentrate. *creepy possessed child stare*

**Bella:** Anything new?

**Alice:** _Yup. Jasper's not going to be happy with the new president, Emmett will never be in a fight scene, everyone lives happily ever after… oh, and_ they've decided to tell him no.

**Steward:** Can I give you ladies a peep show?

**Bella:** Hells ya! _Wow, I have been sexually deprived for too long._

**Alice:** *slaps Bella* ?

**Steward: **Can I get you ladies a pillow?

**Alice:** No, thank you *dazzle dazzle*

**Steward:** Arghhh! Can't think straight… why do I want to lather myself in tomato soup?

**Alice:** Aro says it will be wasteful to destroy him. _Ummm, eww, did not want to see that. Aro is planning some rather odd things around Edward involving a swimming pool of Jell-o and a tour of his dungeon. *shiver*_

**Bella:** I wish I was a vampire. _*strikes growling, prowling vampire pose* Shocking revelation._

**Alice:** Honestly, I'm debating whether to change you myself. _God love her, I've had it up to here with her whining about being a vampire. _

**Bella:** Oh, Alice! Bite me!

**Alice:** _Okay, keeping thoughts to self… but how does browniechadowes expect me to ship Alice/Jasper when I have Bella spouting of crap like that to me? Focus, Alice, focus._ I'll probably end up killing you.

**Bella**: Don't care. _Vamptastic Edward-world, here I come!_

**Alice:** Go back to sleep. *Attempts to hit Bella over head with seat cushion*

**Bella:** What's happening?

**Alice:** They told him no. There was a bad hour where he'd decided to go hunting in the city. He's going to keep it simple. He's going to walk out into the sun. *rolls eyes*.

**Bella's inner monologue:** The image of Edward in the meadow- glowing, shimmering like his skin was made of diamonds- burned into my memory_… wait, *rereads and rereads last sentence* ARE YOU SERIOUS? Stephenie, he's going to pop out the glitter of doom? Ummm, can I have a medium lame with a side of extra stupid sparkly lame on the side? .! At the worst they'd probably think he was a drag queen. They'd probably only get mad at him for stealing some poor little girl's Disney Princess shower gel. Gah, can we just go back to Forks now?_

**Alice:** He's going to be melodramatic. _Yes, a glittery suicidal vampire skipping into the sunlight is a touch dramatic. But that's Edward. Surprise, surprise._ He wants a big audience, so he'll wait by the clock until noon. How opposed are you to grand theft auto?

**Bella:** I've played it a few times with Mike, but I wasn't very good at it…

**Alice:** ? Never mind. *shows up with conspicuous bright yellow car* _We will definitely be incognito with this._ Hmm, some kind of festival going on. Well, that's ironic. It's Saint Marcus Day.

**Bella:** Okay, we're going to have to switch to one syllable words for me over here, because I do not understand a word coming out of your adorable little pixie mouth.

**Alice:** Day to rejoice over the vampires being gone.

**browniechadowes:** *throws up pretzels then chucks one at Stephenie* Why? Just… why? Stephenie, after all the ridiculous vampire jokes, you just had to add this little bit in? It's cringeworthingly unnecessary.

**Stephenie:** I thought my use of irony was pretty fun. Get it? Everyone dressed like vampires, but real vampires are all over the place?

**browniechadowes:** No, no I get it. It just made me throw up my last hopes of redemption for this story.

**Alice:** Okay, I'm going to get you close, and then you're going to run. And for God's sake try not to _be such a stumblefuck_… trip. We don't have time for a concussion today.

Bella: *high fives Alice* Nice burn.


	21. Suicidal Edward

**Suicidal!Edward**

**Bella:** Alice.

**Alice:** I know. I can't see what the guard will decide.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Well that's convenient. You can see what three omnipotent vampires are going to decide, but a guard? No way.

**Alice:** You might have to go in alone. You have to run. Just keep asking for Palazzo dei Priori and_, for fuck's sake,_ don't get lost.

**Bella:** Palazzo dei Priori. Palazzo dei Priori. _Heh, say that five times fast._

**Alice:** You have to get Edward's attention before he can move into the sun. _Heaven forbid he unleash the Glitter of Doom._

**Guard:** I'm sorry, only tour buses allowed in the city today. _Heeellllooo, sexy mammasita. I'd like to put some spaghetti sauce all over that ass._

**Alice:** It's a private tour. _Wow, that sounds wrong and slightly illegal in 49 out of the 50 states…_

**Bella's inner monologue:** *as Alice reaches out hand* NOOOOOO! Alice, you're going to vomit sparkle everywhere!

**Alice:** ?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh. Glove.

**Guard:** *taking money from Alice* Is this a joke?_ I mean, I'm flattered, but isn't the money supposed to be exchanged the other way?_

**Alice:** Only if you think it's funny. I'm in a wee bit of a hurry_. And apparently when I'm in a hurry I obtain an Irish accent. Weird._

**Guard:** *stashes money and starts to unzip pants as Alice starts to drive off* ? Why do I feel so… used? I need a hug.

**Bella:** *starts to hug Guard*

**Alice:** *pulling Bella back and driving away* They're everywhere?

**Bella:** No, no, silly Alice. Those people are just dressed up like vampires.

**Alice:** _Ughh. I think my shippiness is cured. I don't know how Edward deals with this on a day to day basis._ Okay, you have two minutes. Go, Bella, go!

**Orchestra:** *strikes up "Flight of the Bumblebee"*

**Bella's inner monologue:** I pushed against them furiously, fighting hands that shoved back. A child grinned down at me, his lips distended over a set of plastic vampire fangs.

**browniechadowes:** *ducks into the bathroom as she loses the small amount of hope still residing in her stomach*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Gahhhh,_ fountain. _Can't go over it… can't go under it… can't go around it… Gotta go through it. *proceeds to icy water run/lumber then starts screaming at the top of her lungs*_

**Bella:** EEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDWWWWWWWWAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDD!

**Bella's inner monologue: **Why the hell am I describing all of the people in the crowd? Is it really necessary? I mean, my lover love is about to glitter himself to death and I'm worried about describing all the little kids. Am I a necrophiliac AND a pedophile?

**Stephenie:** No, Bella. And the answer to your first question is page numbers, Bella, page numbers.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Riiiight. Well, I'm gonna skip that nonsense.

**Bella:** Edward, NOOOOOOOOOO! *looking at Edward* _Really? I mean, Rea-lly? He's a fucking VAMPIRE. Isn't he supposed to have super hearing or some shit like that? Oh, right, vampire power only works if it fits in as a plot device._

**Suicidal!Edward:** *closed eyes, palms forward, shirt off –*

**Fangirls:** *drooooool*

**Suicidal!Edward's inner monologue:** Hum dee hum, off to kill myself, must block out any sounds, especially anything pertaining to the screaming of my one and only love trying to save me from a Glittery Death of Doom. _Hmmm, think Romeo, Juliet, Romeo in those cute little tights… ARGH, glitter is getting to my head._

**Bella:** NO! Edward, look at me! _God damn stupid vampire. I think some of my stupidness has rubbed off onto him. I can not let this happen for two distinct reasons. 1.) I am the only, and I mean THE ONLY, martyr in this story, thank you very much and 2.) If people see his sparkly ass all over the place, it will only confirm certain fanfic shippers' suspicions that he is batting for the other team._

**browniechadowes:** For fuck's sake, Bella, stop him before we get any creepy Edward/Charlie fics going.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *sumo pound!* It knocked my breath out of me and snapped my head back. _Owww._

**Suicidal!Edward:** Amazing. Carlisle was right. I could have had a V8.

**browniechadowes:** *pokes self in eye for stupid joke*

**Bella:** Edward, you've got to get back into the shadows.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I knew we were in mortal danger, but I felt _well_. Whole. I was perfect. *reaches into chest and tapes heart back together, throwing out Jacob's moldy band aid* _Wait, I'm not even going to be pissed off at Edward for leaving me? Mmmmmkay. *takes out Bella's an irrevocable chagrin masochistic fucktard o' love list* Well, that seems to be in order._

**Suicidal!Edward: **I can't believe how quick it was. They're very good. *clears throat for melodramatics* "Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty". You smell exactly the same, so maybe this is hell.

**Bella:** _Jesus Christ, it was only one fucking burrito_. I'm not dead, and neither are you.

**Suicidal!Edward:** What was that? _Shhhh, Bella, shhhh. Am basking in glory of suicidal victory._

**Bella:** We're not dead, not yet! _Durrr, we have to have crazy, slightly S&M vamp-human sex before I kick the bucket._

**Edward:** *to two dark shapes* Greetings, gentlemen. I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. Send my thanks to your masters. *attempts to give Felix a $20*

**Felix:** Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue? Let us seek better cover._ Why do I sound like Yoda?… seek better dialogue, we must._

**Edward:** Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?

**Bella:** *looks at people playing with red ribbon and pretending to bite each other* Meh, I'll choose curtain number two.

**Felix:** Bring the girl.

**Edward:** The girl goes free. *tries to Jedi mind trick Felix*

**Felix:** *rolls eyes* _Edward, are you still trying to pull that crap?_ Nope. We have rules to obey.

**Edward:** I'm afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation.

**Aro:** *pops up* You could have at least RSVPed. _Rude, sexy little ice pop of underaged ass._

**Alice:** From my future visions, I hope it's not the only invitation of Aro's that he doesn't accept. *shivers at thought of pool of Jell-o*

**Jane: **Enough.

**Everyone:** GAAAHHH! It's…

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuuum…

**Everyone:** Jane!

**Jane:** Follow me. *reads description of character* _Sweet, so I'm basically the vampire version of Jessica? *rubs hands together* this will be fun._

**Edward:** Alice. I shouldn't be surprised to see you here. What happened? _Can I just say, for the record, that as a psychic you really, really suck._

**Alice:** Long story. *looks at manuscript* Awww, Stephenie, you decided to condense yourself! This is definitely a step in the right direction.

**Stephenie:** *mutters* stupid editors. That was supposed to be three pages long.

**Alice:** Bella jumped off a cliff, but wasn't trying to kill herself. _Ahhh, short and sweet._

**Edward:** Hm. *reading Alice's thoughts* _Good thing I prank called Bella when I did, otherwise I have sneaking suspicion that we would be in Bella/Jacob smutty shippingdom right now._

In the Volturi Castle of All Things Vamptastic:

**Bella's inner monologue:** He put his arm around me, holding me close to his side. *trip, stumble, trip* Edward pet my lips a little bit, rubbed his face into my hair, and… _was he licking me? Oh,_ chaste forehead kiss. Gahhh *teeth chatter* I'm cold.

**Edward:** *rubs Bella furiously, trying to create friction, giving her painful!rug burn*

**Bella:** Ow.


	22. Volturi Castle of All Things Vamptastic

**Volturi Castle of All Things Vamptastic**

**browniechadowes:** Oh holy shit. Alright, we need to pause the parody for a few moments… *reaches into pit of discarded characters*

**Mike:** No fair! *looses grip of kinolaughs*

**browniechadowes:** *wipes cool whip off of kinolaughs* Super Bear, can you make sure Mike doesn't come anywhere near this fanfic writer? Any more of this nonsense, and she might stop reading the parody.

**Super Bear:** No problemo! Honey? *passes jar to kinolaughs*

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Bella's inner monologue:** So what do you get when you cross super!undead vampires with a secret evil lair? Apparently, a suave, art nouveau decorated lobby.

**Felix:** *winks at secretary!Gianna*

**Gianna:** *giggle* _please don't eat me._

**Alec:** Welcome back, Edward. This is the cause of all this trouble?

**Felix:** Dibs. _Haha wonder how long it will take for me to get Edward pissed off._

**Emmett:** *pops up head* Not much. Just mention how he's a century-old virgin.

**Edward:** Grooowwlll.

**Felix:** _Awesome._

**Alec:** Aro will be so pleased to see you again.

**Alice:** Just say no, Edward! Bad, bad things will happen.

**Aro:** Alice and Bella, too! This is a happy surprise! Wonderful! Cream puff, anyone? Made them myself. They simply melt in your mouth. *twirls black cloak flamboyantly* You see, Edward? Aren't you glad I didn't give you want you wanted yesterday_? Then again… you didn't give me what I wanted, either. Drat it all._

**Edward:** *ignoring lusty!vamp gaze* Yes, Aro, I am. *pointedly puts arm around Bella*

**Aro:** I love a happy ending. They are so rare.

**browniechadowes:** Not so rare in the Twilight series.

**Stephenie:** *glare*

**Aro:** Marcus, Caius, look! Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful? Oh, come on, everyone, lets break out the Pictionary. Coctails, anyone?

**Marcus:** *to fanfic readers* Forgive me if I'm not smiling on the inside. I've had to live with this fruit of a brother for over 1000 years.

**Edward:** Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours.

**Aro: **It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I can assure you. _And oh, have I tried… that time with the banana and the jelly was as close as I ever got…_

**Marcus's inner monologue:** I'm not all that surprised. I've been minding my own business in the stupid pit of discarded characters, and these two have been crapped out into the toilet seat of AnnoyinglyStupid!love since Chapter Two.

**Aro:** How can you stand so close to her like that?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Really, people?!? Can we lay of the cracks about my personal hygiene? Jesus Christ, so I'm not the most clean person in the world. Shoot me.

**Edward:** It's not without effort. _It's a good thing I have a very bizarre taste in turn-ons._

**Aro:** But still- la tua cantante! What a waste.

**Bella:** ? No speak Spanish.

**Edward:** Italian, my sweet human cupcake. We are in Italy.

**Bella: **Whatever.

**Aro:** Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! _Long walks on the moonlit beach, bloody hot tubs under a starlit sky, too many loofas to count… _You remind me of him.

**Edward:** *makes out with Bella to prove uuber!masculinity* Hardly.

**Aro:** May I?_ If Edward can get off to this, maybe I can too. Mmmmm, Edward._

**Edward:** Ask her. _She was whoring around without me before with other mythical creatures. Maybe she'd go for it. Old wrinkly balls._

**Bella's inner monologue:** ARRRGHHH! Old people! *Aro touches Bella* Spider veins… arthritis… NO!

**Aro:** A first. I wonder if she's immune to our other talents… Jane?

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuummmmmm…

**Everyone:** Jane!

**Edward:** *hit by Jane's super!bitchiness* _Oh the horrible thoughts! Mike Newton, pizza, going past first base, the… the… the FLU!!!! _*falls onto floor*

**Alice:** He's fine. _What is this, melodramatic day? _

**Jane:** *looks at Bella and sends a hot plate of super!bitchiness her way*

***cricket hops along, singing to self, and is hit by Jane's super!bitchiness, sparing Bella***

**Jane's inner monologue:** That is bullshit. Fucking scalpel to my mastectomy.

**Jessica:** *runs out of pit covered in cool whip and hugs Jane*

**Aro:** Don't be put out, dear one. She confounds us all.

**browniechadowes:** She definitely confounds me… *picking up Bella's an irrevocable chagrin masochistic fucktard o' love list*

**Aro:** So what do we do with you now? _To the dungeon? We could have a little dip in my pool…_ I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind? _Rejection only makes the chase more satisfying in the end. I'll have you to myself at some point, my cute little ice cube._

**Edward:** *shiver* I'd…rather…not.

**Aro:** Alice? _Not exactly my type… but she does slightly resemble a prepubescent boy…_

**Alice:** No, thank you.

**Aro:** _Doesn't anybody love me? Alright, last hope. God, I'm lowering my standards_. Bella?

**Caius:** What? _*goes over to Marcus as they plot the best way to cut Aro up into tiny pieces and set him on fire*_

**Bella:** No, thank you_. I think I can only handle one horny vampire today, thanks._

**Aro:** Such a waste. _And I can't even eat Jell-o._

**Caius:** _I do not need this shit today. There are people parading around in capes like its fucking Harry Potter day, Aro tried to push me into a pool of Jell-o earlier, and I do not like being in this stupid lame fanfic._ She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets. Are you prepared to destroy her? I think not.

**Aro:** _Caius, take a chill pill._ Do you intend to give her immortality?

**Edward's inner monologue:** Hmmm, on one hand, I could save the smelly love of my life… on the other hand, I would have to live with said love for *gulp* eternity. *kicks Bella in the stomach to give himself more time to think*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Was it really such a loathsome idea? Would he rather die than change me? I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.

**Alice:** _Aha! A way to prove my love!_ *Shows Aro Vamptastic!Bella vision*

**Aro:** Yes, yes, it's quite determined. Certainly there's no problem.

**Caius:** Stephenie, this is an evil lair o' vampire. Are you not going to off anyone today?

**Stephenie:** *ponders*

**Edward:** Then we are free to go now? _I want to get out of this castle of all things vamptastic before I wake up tomorrow with deep regrets and blow to masculine ego._

**Aro:** Yes, yes. But pease visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling! And take some goody bags with you. I coordinated them in red… gives them a bit of a flair, I do think.

**Caius:** And we will visit you as well. We do not offer second chances. _Bitch vamp-raping smelly slut._

**Jessica:** Seriously, can I move into the castle of all things vamptastic? I love these people!

**Mike:** *pulls Jessica back into the pit*

**Aro:** Wait below until after dark, if you don't mind. _Maybe give him a little longer to rethink my romantic proposition. _And take this *hands cloak* _Something to remember me by, my love._

**browniechadowes:** Alright, that is ENOUGH, Aro. *rocks back and forth* I don't know how much longer I can keep the lemony slash shipping at bay.

**Tourists:** This is unusual. So medieval. Oh look, honey, dead bodies that look like they've had the blood sucked out of them by vampires. Where's the camera?

**Aro:** Welcome, guests! Welcome to Volterra! Cream puff?

**Tourists:** *get eaten like an all you can eat buffet set in front of starving Ethiopian children*

**Caius:** Ahhh, thank you Stephenie.

**Stephenie:** *giggles and winks* Anytime, Caius… So, about that Jell-o?


	23. Irrevocable Chagrin Masochistic Fucktard

**Bella's an Irrevocable Chagrin Masochistic Fucktard o' Love**

**Alice:** You'd better make her sit before she falls. She's going to pieces.

**Edward:** Shh, Bella, shh. _Am so not creepy father figure. *cradles Bella like a baby*_

**Alice:** I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her. _Mmmmm yes, slap her. Slap her good._

**Edward:** *trying to ignore creepy Alice stare* It's alright. You're safe.

**Bella:** Oh Edward, Is it sick for me to be happy right now?

**Edward:** _Ummm let's see… I tried to glitter myself to death, your dad doesn't know you're halfway around the world, you just met super scary (and slightly flamboyant) vampire, and tourists are being eaten as easily as Aro's cream puffs._ We have lots of reasons to be happy. We're alive and together.

**Edward and Bella: ***stare lovingly and gut-wrenchingly into each others eyes for oodles of time*

**browniechadowes:** *gives up even going to the bathroom and throws up on keyboard*

**Alec:** You're free to leave now. Don't linger in the city.

Outside:

**Edward:** *looking at people in cloaks and teeth* Ridiculous.

**browniechadowes:** Thank god someone said it. *high fives Edward*

**Bella:** Where's Alice?

**Edward:** Getting your bags and stealing a car.

**Bella's inner monologue:** We're not really in a hurry now… is it necessary to steal a car? I mean, Jesus, there is such a thing as Rent-A-Car.

**Alice:** There wasn't much to choose from.

**Edward:** I'll get you a 911 Turbo for Christmas… or for holding Bella hostage while I overprotectively and unhealthily keep her from seeing her best friend. _Not because I'm threatened by him or anything, I'm just afraid he'll eat her… in more ways than one._

**Alice:** ? _Ummm, why do I have to wait until then? It's not like we all don't have enough money for me to just up and buy one right now._

On the plane:

**Edward:** Sleep, Bella. It's over.

**Bella:** I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired.

**Edward:** Try.

**Alice:** *Takes seat cushion and takes another swipe at Bella's head*

**Bella:** *overdoses on Coke and starts bopping passengers on the head* Duck, duck, duck, goose! *hitting Edward*

**Edward:** _Urgghhh. Maybe the pool of man Jell-o wasn't such a bad idea._ Bella.

Sea-Tac airport:

**Esme:** *stares at manuscript incredulously* I get a line? Oh goodness, need to make this good. *In very stagey, over the top voice* You will never put me through that again!

**Stephenie:** Aha, wondered why I never let her speak. *crosses out further dialogue with Esme*

**Carlisle:** Thank you Bella. We owe you.

**Alice:** Ya, because she did it all by her stealthy self. No help from any other undead people whatsoever…

**Bella:** _Ummm, earth to vampires. I was kinda the reason Edwardkins went off the deep end and tried to kill himself._ Hardly.

In the car:

**Rosalie:** Edward.

**Edward:** I know. _You befouled charlatan. _

**Rosalie:** Bella? I'm so sorry. Please say you'll forgive me. _Gaahhhh *chokes on uncanon character line* _Wait, I didn't think the author of the novel could ignore canon.

**Stephenie:** I ignore a lot of things *pets a disturbed Caius*

**Bella:** Of course, Rosalie.

**Edward:** Let her sleep.

At Bella's house:

**Charlie:** Bella!

**Bella:** Charlie.

**Edward:** Edward!

**Charlie and Bella:** ?

**Charlie:** What's wrong with her? _Do you realize I haven't eaten in three day? THREE DAYS._

**Edward: **She's just very tired. _God, Charlie boy, calm the fuck down. It's not like she flew to Italy to save me from sparkling to death while being stuck in a room full of hungry vampires. Talk about overreacting. _

**Charlie:** Get your hands off her! Get inside.

**Edward:** Let me get her upstairs, then I'll leave_. Or I'll stealthily break into her room, staring at her oh so lovingly and singing her creepy tales from the crypt lullabies._

**Charlie's stomach:** *grumble*

The next night:

**Bella:** *feels coldness on forehead* _Ice cube?_ Oh!

**Edward:** Did I frighten you?

**Bella**: Oh crap.

**Edward:** _So that was the smell…_What's wrong, Bella?

**Bella:** I'm dead, right? Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie.

**Edward:** You're not dead. You are awake, Bella. _Jesus, what an idiot. Not believing she's alive. Pssshht, what kind of idiot would think that?_

**Bella:** Sure, sure.

**Jacob:** *barrels into room and slaps Bella* Uh uh, you cannot take my catchphrase after you disposed of my moldy band aid. Can't have it all, Bella.

**Bella: ***ignores slap* Did all of that really happen, then?

**Edward:** If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes.

**Bella:** I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque.

**Edward: ***rolls eyes* You should go back to sleep. You're not coherent. _Again, maybe should have stuck with Aro's dungeon of love._

**Bella:** What have you been doing, up until three days ago?

**Edward:** *hides loofa* Nothing terribly exciting.

**Bella:** _Hmmm… *takes __Bella's an irrevocable chagrin masochistic fucktard o' love__ list out* Number 2). Address Edward's guilt and say it is silly nonsense to feel guilty for leaving you alone and dead in the heart._ Edward, You can't let this…this guilt…rule your life. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me.

**Edward:** Isabella Marie Swan.

**Fanficcers: **Marie! Ahhiiee Christopher Columbus! More names to go off of. *start spinning wild fanfics involving young Grannie Marie and Edward*

**Edward: **You think I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?

**Bella:** Didn't you? _Oh, maybe not. Checks __Bella's an irrevocable chagrin masochistic fucktard o' love list: Number 3). Do not believe him when he says that he cares about you. You are not worthy. You are not worthy. And slap your ego-meter to make sure that bitch stays in the negatives._

**Edward:** I thought you were dead.

**Bella:** So what if I was dead?

**Edward:** Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist.

**Bella:** Confused.

**Edward:** I lied to save you, and it didn't work. But how could you believe me? What were you thinking! _You are severly stupid, Bella. God, definitely your fault for believing me when I told you that you were a clingy vamp hag and I was sick of you. Ya._

**Bella:** I knew I was dreaming.

**Edward:** I'll prove you're awake.

**Bella:** *looks ominously at loofa in Edward's hand* Please don't. _I am not worthy of your loofa of love._

**Edward:** Am I too late? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to?

**Bella:** _Bella's an irrevocable chagrin masochistic fucktard o' love list:__Number 4). Forget any romantic attachment you may have had with person who cured you of ZombieComotose!Bellaness. _What kind of an idiotic question is that? Of course I love you.

**Jacob:** I give up. *grumbles to self* That's it, Bella. No more Rabbit for you.

**Edward and Bella:** *high five each other* Swweeeet. Make out time. *begin making out oh so chastely*

**Bella:** Dizzy!

**Edward:** By the way, I'm not leaving you. _Don't you feel privileged, my sweet?_ *looks at next paragraph* Ahhh God, I knew the making out would come with a price. Stephenie, I just got back into the story, I have a massive hangover, and Jessica's been trying to rape me with the whipped cream can…

**Stephenie: ***sneezes on Edward* Oops, I think I'm coming down with a flu. *maniacally twisted smile*

**Edward:** ARGGHH! Okay. *clears throat for sickeningly sweet monologueing* My life was like a moonless night. _Oi vey, we get it, Steph, New Moon. Very clever._ You shot across my sky like a meteor. Everything was on fire. When you were gone, everything went black. My eyes were blinded by the light. There was no more reason for anything.

**Bella:** That's funny.

**Edward: **Funny? _*le gasp* Am mildly insulted._

**Bella:** I thought it was just me.

**Edward:** Werewolves are a problem.

**Bella:** My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves.

**Jacob:** *chucks moldy band aid at Bella's head*

**FutureSequel!Jacob:** Bah hah. That 2-1. Told you.

**FutureSequel!Bella:** Oh, go lick your own ass or something.

**Bella:** Others are coming to look for me.

**Edward:** We have plenty of time. You'll be thirty before you crossed their minds again.

**Bella:** _ARRRGHHHH, the HORROR! Nursing home smells, crocheting pot holders, erghh, gin rummy._ Thirty? You're going to let me get old?

**Edward:** That's exactly what I'm going to do. _My future wrinkles of ecstacy._

**Bella:** What about when I get so old that people think I'm your grandmother?

**Edward:** You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. _Maybe right now would be the time to come out and say I kinda have a thing for cougars._

**Renee:** *stops attacking Phil with ice cream at the mention of the word "cougar"* You rang?

**Bella:** I'll die eventually.

**Edward:** I'll follow after_… or at least say I will and then continue living my everlasting vampire life without you. Whichever tickles my fancy._

**Bella:** That is seriously… sick. I'm leaving.

**Edward:** May I ask where you are going?

**Bella:** To your house. You should be there, too.

**Edward:** _Thanks for the invite._ Why is that?

**Bella:** You're opinionated. _Bella's an irrevocable chagrin masochistic fucktard o' love__: Number 5). You're mortality and life span are stupid. Act accordingly._ If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say.

**Edward:** A say in what? _This can't be good._

**Bella:** My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote.

**Edward:** Aro, I'll take the pool.


	24. Woo hoo Eternal Damnation!

**Woo hoo Eternal Damnation!**

Running through the forest:

**Bella:** *kisses Edward's neck*

**Edward:** Thank you. I'll earn your trust back somehow. If it's my final act. _Who am I kidding? I'm pretty sure I could do two pygmies while giving Aro a blow job and she would still trust me._

**Bella:** I trust you. It's me I don't trust.

**Edward:** Explain that, please. _This better not have anything to do with a certain wolfy pubescent reservation kid…_

**Bella:** *tosses Edward "Bella's an Irrevocable Chagrin Masochistic Fucktard o' Love list"*

**Edward: **Oh.

**Bella:** Since you're staying, can I have my stuff back?

**Edward:** It's under your floorboard.

**Bella:** _I find that cute and endearing instead of psycho killer stalker keep my stuff as a momento creepy._ Some part of me never stopped believing that you cared. That's probably why I was hearing the voices.

**Edward:** _Dear lord, what now?_ Voices? _Ummm, insane much?_

**Bella: **Just one voice. When I was StupidandReckless!Bella I could remember you more clearly. I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry… _in a very love struck way, not a Stockholm Syndrome, battered wife, I'm scared of losing even angry you, way._

**Edward:** You…were…risking your life… to hear- _I am in love with a mental person._

**Bella:** Shhh. I'm having an epiphany. Go on, epiphany. Sorry for interrupting.

**Epiphany:** *shouting* Option 3: Edward loved me.

**browniechadowes:** *Throws down novel and punches Stephenie in the face.*

**Bella:** I agree. This line has been doused with lame. "Edward loved me?" No super vampire connection between me and him? He wasn't, like, watching over me or could see me do the stupid shit, even subconsciously? How utterly… lame. That means I was just severely hallucinating. How disconcerting.

**Edward:** You, at least, were better at surviving. I curled up into a ball and let the misery have me. Much more pathetic than hearing voices. _Hmmm, think she bought that? The voices scare me a little bit. _

At the Cullen's:

**Bella:** I'd like to talk to everyone at once. About something important.

**Carlisle:** Of course. _Not like we're busy or anything. Emmett and Rosalie were getting it on, Alice was on a rampant shopping spree, Jasper was starting to come to the realization that he lost the war, Esme was lovingly thinking about everyone in the family, I was reading my medical magazine, and I have run out of stereotypical cliché things to say about the family… so I guess you can talk now._

**Bella:** I have a problem. You all know what I want. It's only fair to decide in a vote.

**Everyone:** We all vote yes. You guys should just get it over with already. It's been long enough…

**Bella:** Wait, I haven't told you what we're voting on…

**Emmett:** Aren't we talking about you popping Edward's 100 year old frozen, expired cherry?

**Bella:** Ermm,no. The issue of me becoming a vampire.

**Emmett:** Well, that still sucks for Edward.

**Edward:** I have something to add before we vote. We can hide her. It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack.

**Bella:** Ummm, Edward, haystacks are made of straw… that would be pretty easy to find. Let's vote. Edward, do you want me to join your family.

**Edward:** Nope. Human_. I need to to ripen and mature to a nice old age so we can play grandma gives grandson a present. Now that's kinky._

**Bella:** Alice?

**Alice:** Yes. _Ooooh yes. The possibilities would be innumerable… and if she lived here I could accidently pop in on her showering…_

**Bella:** Jasper?

**Jasper:** Death to the Union! Lynch them!

**Everyone:** ?

**Jasper:** Wrong conflict? Ermmm, yes?

**Bella:** Rosalie?

**Rosalie:** No. There is no way in hell I am letting a stumbling prostitute become my sister.

**Stephenie:** I'm still writing you uncanon, Rosalie. You have to watch the tone, sweetie.

**Rosalie:** _This is retarded and stupid. No one else had a fucking personality change. _I don't mean that I have an aversion to you as a sister. This is just not the life I would have chosen for myself.

**Bella:** Emmett?

**Emmett:** Hell yes! We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri.

**Alice:** Wouldn't count on it Emmett. Sorry, hon, but I don't think you will ever get a fight scene…well…ever.

**Emmett: ***cries and runs over to Super Bear, who hugs him awkwardly*

**Bella:** Esme?

**Esme:** *whispering and talking in a monotone voice so as not to annoy Stephenie* Yes, of course, Bella.

**Carlisle:** Edward.

**Edward:** Nope.

**Carlisle:** It's the only way that makes sense. I guess you know my vote. _And Edward, quit being a little pansy about it. Remember, Jasper's supposed to be the emo one._

**Bella:** Thank you. I feel exactly the same way about all of you, too. _And that goes double for you, Rosalie. Mmmmkay, _bite me hard Alice!

**Alice:** I don't think I'm ready for that. _Shouldn't we do a little foreplay first? Light nuzzling? Wine by candlelight?_

**Bella:** You can do it.

**Edward**: Snnnarrrlll.

**Bella:** Carlisle?

**Edward's inner monologue:** God, was she just going to hop from one family member to the next? No wonder they all like her so much.

**Carlisle:** I'm able to do it. You would be in no danger of me losing control.

**browniechadowes:** That's what she said?

**Edward**: We should wait until Bella finishes high school and moves out of Charlie's house.

**Bella:** After graduation? _Sweet, it'll be like my own twisted version of American Pie._

**Carlisle:** _Well, that's rather cliché and teen movie-ish, but_ you have my word.

**Edward:** If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?

**Bella:** _The Rabbit and me alone for a few hours?_ For you to bite me.

**Edward:** If you want me to be the one- then just one condition. Marry me first.

**Bella:** *laughs hysterically on the floor* I'm only eighteen. _Silly, silly Edward. Marriage, heh._

**Edward:** Well, I'm nearly 110. *shudders_* That is pretty fucked up._

**Bella:** I'm afraid of Renee.

**Edward:** If you're not brave enough to marry me, then-

**Bella:** _Hmmm, marry Edward and be eternally damned, or stay a human and keep a family, future, and life… Woo hoo eternal damnation!_ What if I did? What if we went to Vegas? Would I be a vampire in three days?

**Edward: **Sure. *calling Bella's bluff*

**Bella:** Dammit. You peeked at my cards.

**Edward:** You'd move in with a house full of vampires?

**Bella:** If Charlie kicks me out, then no need for graduation deadline.

**Edward:** So eager for eternal damnation. _So eager to stay with me for an eternity… ermm, I think I'm getting cold feet._

**Bella:** You don't believe that. If you did then when I found you in Volterra, you wouldn't have said "Amazing. Carlisle was right".

**Edward's inner monologue:** Well, an eternity with Bella isn't exactly the most soothing on the nerves… and I was kinda just thinking about a tasty tomato drink. Meh, her ego-meter seems controllingly low, so I'll just leave that bit out.

**Bella:** If you stay, I don't need heaven.

**Edward:** Forever.

**Bella and Edward:** *shiver furiously, as have become gassy from so much cheese from the last few lines.*


	25. A Smattering of Nom Noms

**A Smattering of Nom Noms**

**browniechadowes:** Okay, all, I am in the middle of finishing the final chapter to Stephenie Meyer and the Glitter of Doom… however my stomach is taking a leaf out of Charlie's book and is kicking my ass for neglecting it. I will get it some nom noms and then pop out the rest of the chapter. Again, thanks to everyone for reviewing. It's been a blast (I know Mike has been thoroughly enjoying himself in the pit of discarded characters). And please let me know if you would like me to go on with Eclipse. Thanks for your comments, and keep smiling 


	26. I Think I Have Diabetes

**I Think I Have Diabetes**

**Bella's inner monologue:** College was a priority (college was still plan B, of the chance that Edward's offer swayed me from the post-graduation Carlisle option). _Because of course, getting your college education, children, comes in second to transforming into the blood sucking undead for the rest of eternity. _Charlie wasn't happy with me or speaking to Edward.

**Charlie: **Three days without food. If I were a dog, I would be turned over to animal protection rights.

**Bella's inner monologue:** It was almost as if the last eight months were just a disturbing nightmare. Almost. Before the fall, I hadn't been best friends with Jacob Black. The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, _stupid sadist prince who is just too sexy to be mad at,_ bad spell broken, wait, _*looks at cover* this is Twilight, not Harry Potter, right?_ I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. _Durrrhhh, where all the best friend characters who don't get the girl go… they slink to the side of the screen while the lead lady kisses her man meat._

**Bella:** It's just plain rude! Downright insulting! Billie said he didn't want to talk to me. _I am cute as a button, and feeling neglected. _

**Edward:** It's not you, Bella. Nobody hates you. _Well, only a handful at least… ermm, Jessica, Jane, Caius, Rosalie, all those damn ice cubes._ We are what we are. I can control myself, but I doubt he can. In more ways than one. _I am chaste boyfriend virgin lover, m'dear, and Jacob just wants to ravish your body._ I don't know if I could stop it before I k- hurt him.

**Bella:** Were you about to say killed him?

**Edward:** I would try…very hard… not to do that. _Really, who are we kidding? I probably wouldn't be trying all that hard. Just because he's a threat to Bella and is my arch nemesis… not because my masculinity is challenged by him or anything._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I remembered what happened to Paris when Romeo came back. They fight. Paris falls. _Alright, Stephenie, we get the allusion to Romeo and Juliet. Ram it down our throats much?_ And there it was. My motorcycle, flaunting itself in the driveway.

**Bella:** NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why would Jacob do this to me?

**Bella's inner monologue: **What had I done to deserve this? I never imagined that Jake could be so petty and just plain mean. _It's not like I ditched him for my ex, now not ex, lover love of cold mannage or anything._

**Bella:** Let me go! I'm going to murder him! Traitor!

**Jasper:** Traitor, you say? To the gallows!

**Bella:** Why? How could you do this to me, Jacob.

**Jacob:** It's for the best. _I just wanted to ground your ass so that sucktastic over here couldn't drink your blood._

**Edward:** He just wanted to get you grounded, so you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me.

**Bella:** I'm already grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push?

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Ummm, because you have an overcontrolling, pussy who can't take competition for a boyfriend.

**Edward:** He thought I wouldn't let you, not Charlie.

**Jacob**: Stop that. _And you are taking out all the juicy stuff and making me look like I should be running around sparkling with a bouffant hairdo._

**Edward:** Thank you. I will owe you for the rest of my… existence. For keeping Bella alive.

**Jacob:** I didn't do it for your benefit. _Obviously._

**Edward:** If there's anything in my power to do for you…

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Go fuck yourself?

**Edward:** That's not in my power. It's hers. I'm here until she orders me away.

**Bella:** Never.

**Jacob:** *gag* _Ugghh, I think I feel that tomato soup coming up._ The treaty is specific. If any of them bite a human. Bite, not kill.

**Bella:** Knock knock.

**Jacob:** Who's there?

**Bella:** Nunya

**Jacob:** Nunya who?

**Bella:** Nunya business.

**Edward:** Careful! He's not under control. _Mad and dangerous werewolf. Must defend female._

**Jacob:** Ugh. _I_ would never hurt her. _Not like I'm planning on biting her and turning into an undead tranny mess._

**Charlie:** Bella! You get in this house this instant! _Back in the kitchen and make me mah dinner, woman!_

**Edward:** We've found no trace of Victoria on our side.

**Jacob:** She took off like a bat out of hell. _What, Stephenie? No lame attempt at a vampire joke there? I'm slightly crestfallen._

**Edward:** She's not your problem anymore. We'll-

**Jacob:** She's ours!

**Bella:** _Doesn't anyone love me? Fight about me!_ You promised. Still friends, right?

**Jacob:** I can't see how to keep trying. Not now… _Really? Really, Bella? God I hate being the best friend._ Miss you.

**Bella:** Me, too. *grabs for Jacob* It's okay.

**Edward:** No, it's not. _And that is completely to protect you. I am in no way paranoid that you might have crazy wolf-human fling with puberty boy over here._

**Charlie:** ISABELLA SWAN!

**Jacob:** *painful crumple face*

**Bella's inner monologue:** I had some serious problems. _Ummm, and I'm just coming to that conclusion now because? Oh right, I'm Bella._ My best friend counted me with his enemies. Victoria was on the loose. If I didn't become a vampire soon, the Volturi would kill me. _And I have an unsettling feeling that browniechadowes might try to drag me into yet another painful and embarrassing parody._ Very serious problems.

**Edward:** Serious, indeed.

**Bella's inner monologue:** But Edward was here, with his arms around me. I could face anything as long as that was true. I squared my shoulders and walked forward to meet my fate, with my destiny solidly at my side.

**Edward:** Eeesh that monologue was particularly sugary.

**Bella:** I think I have diabetes.

**Edward:** Get smashed before browniechadowes can get her paws on us?

**Bella:** That's not a question.

**Edward and Bella:** *jump into the shaving cream filled pit of discarded characters, dragging LaniLynne behind them*

**browniechadowes:** Note to LaniLynne: You asked for it. If Mike gets frisky, don't come crying to me about it. And as for everyone else, feel free to jump into the pit, too, but make sure you come out in due time. I have my dirty little hands on Eclipse and will need that pit vacated for the next installment of snarky obnoxiousness.


	27. Bother Bother Bother

**Bother Bother Bother**

Browniechadowes: Just an update. The third installment of my parodies, Stephenie Meyer and the Triangle of Shippiness, is complete. Feel free to check it out by clicking here: .net/s/4777922/1/Stephenie_Meyer_and_the_Triangle_of_Shippiness

Enjoy, and don't let Mike anywhere near you!


	28. Super Bear The End

**Super Bear's Fun Facts**

**Super Bear:** So, browniechadowes has allowed me, a completely super-fictional and drunken fiend, to come up with a list of random fun facts.

**Emmett**: So's we won' be depressed 'bout lack of fight.

**Penguin**: *loading up a beer bong* Or lack of strong plot.

**Unicorn:** Or lack of control of projectile vomit while reading it. *giving shot to kinolaughs*

**Super Bear**: Yeah, we'll rag on Breaking Dawn, but we're also doing random fun facts about the whole renegade series, guys.

**Emmett:** 'Cuz we's busy an' important like that.

**Sarcasm:** Translation: We're bored out of our fucking mind and can't stand that the parodies are actually over…

**Super Bear:** Drumroll please…

**Orchestra: ***drumrolls*

**Super Bear:** Why the phrase"our perfect forever" drives me up a fucking wall:

Bella is dead.

Edward is dead.

The whole Cullens are DEAD, CANIBALISTIC NON-HUMANS.

Jacob's a pedophile.

Quil's a pedophile.

Charlie's left in the dark, while diddling someone *cough* Sue *cough* who knows exactly what's going on.

Renesmee makes no "perfect" sense to me even after reading the whole damn book.

Leah basically is the root of the phrase "screwed the pooch". Sam and Emily skip off into "perfect forever"-ness, and Leah gets to strip in front of her brother.

Ummm Volturi showdown… not so much.

**Penguin:** Although if you look at the list, Edward and Bella's "perfect forever" isn't really affected by any of those.

**Emmett:** I wann'ed a Volturi showdown damnit.

**Super Bear:** How Many Made Up Characters browniechadowes Accidentally Birthed in Four Parodies:

Me, of course *takes a bow* (Introduced in "Super Bear Wants to Tap Bella's Ass in GoD)

Awkward crickets (Introduced in "The Sea of Awkward Crickets" in GoD)

Browniechadowes' inner funny (Introduced in "Someone Stole my Inner Funny!" in GoD)

Penguin (Introduced in "Penguins Kick Ass" in ToS)

Unicorn (Introduced in "Unicorn and Edward's Box" in UoS)

Edward's Balls (Introduced in "Future Jacob and Desperate Edward" in UoS)

Sarcasm (Introduced in "Pokemon Chatrooms" in UoS)

**Super Bear: **Cuss words:

(damn, hell, crap, and suck don't count… because they don't tick up enough on the dirty meter… and neither does fucking "holy crow" *rolls eyes*)

Bastard: 6

Fuck (ed, ing): 88

Bullshit: 7

Shit (ty): 57

Ass(-tards): 78 (mainly from Mike and Sam… surprise surprise)

Bitch(es, ing,y): 55

(Sun-)Whore (-slut,ing): 29

Slut-bag: 1

Blow job: 3

Piss(ed): 14

Ho-bag: 1

Twat: 1

Fucktard: 2

Badass: 18

Cock(-tease, block): 8

Slut: 13

Cunt: 2

Asshole: 17

Anus (just because it sounds dirty): 4

Vag: 1

Douche bag (Bag o' douche): 12

Prick: 7

Coital (post,pre,present…he he): 8

Stumblefuck(ed,edness)*: 19

Penis (*giggle*): 2

Ass-plant: 1

Dumbass: 21

Dick: 9

Pussy(ing): 6

Blow(ing): 15

*sidenote: Quil and Embry: *calling Bella* Hottie McStumblefuck

(Shouldn't Have Had Second Helpings of Priest(RC), Never Gonna Happen (GoD), Someone Stole My Inner Funny!(GoD), have 0 real cuss words)

That makes for a grand total of… 534 cuss words… hmmm not as bad as once presumed.

**Super Bear:** Sexual Things:

Loofah, ice cream, cool whip, tomato soup, ice cubes, the Rabbit, Sam's anatomically correct doll, rubber duck, furbie, spaghetti sauce, Mike's black object, velveeta, blood.

**Super Bear: **Now, Jessica? Jessica!?! Come here. I'm giving you one chance to spout off everything you've ever said about Bella.

**Jessica:** About fucking time, Super Bear. *takes deep breath*:

"You are the pus in my pimple"

"You are the blood in my tampon"

"You are the fangirl to a shitty plot."

"You are the abscess to my infected tooth"

"…catheter to my urethra."

"She's the bamboo shoot to my Chinese torture"

"You are the STD to my vagina"

"You are the chunks in my vomit"

"You maggot in my expired mashed potatoes"

"You are the hose to my enema"

"You are the infected toe nail to my pedicure"

A la Lauren: "You are the cottage cheese consistency pus in my wound"

"She's the mold to my gouda cheese"

"You fucking knife to my lobotomy"

"You blade to my guillotine"

"…scissors to my castration"

"You razor burn to my armpits"

"You leprosy stricken scarlet woman"

"You are the psoriasis to my liver"

"You are the salt to my bloody cut"

"You sty in my eye"

"She is as comfortable as a UTI"

"She is the tear in a condom"

"Bitch, die"

"You infected needle to my heroin addiction"

A la Paul: "She is the probe to my colonoscopy"

"You crusted over syphilis sore"

"Stupid tapeworm to my colon"

"Venereal disease infested slut of a bastard child"

**Super Bear:** And now, from the mormon herself, a list of That's What She Said, taken directly out of S. Meyer's manuscript:

Bella: I don't like the cold, or the wet.

Edward: You're not going to let it go, are you?

Edward: I'll come for you soon.

Bella's inner monologue: Had Emmett always been so… big?

Bella: Dad, I'm all wet.

Jacob: Come inside! You're making me wet.

Bella: Jacob, it won't stay up., Jacob: It will when you're moving.

Bella: He (Jacob) looked huge.

Bella: What's the hardest part?

Bella: Is it hard?

Bella: Whatever you're thinking, Alice, I doubt I'm that free.

Edward: I could take a look, if you like.

Mike: Did you see the size of that Jacob kid?

Jacob: Come again?

Jacob: I think I can force it down. I won't enjoy it at all though.

Edward: Let's get you home and in bed.

Bella: Jacob was heavy. And hot.

Charlie: You coming, too, Edward?

Bella: Jacob's head is really hard.

Edward: It's hard and cold.

Bella: I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted.

Bella: Jacob's more cunning-

Bella: Seth was… faking?

Bella: I had to talk to Jacob about some things… that were hard.

Alice: Go play with Edward.

Charlie: Ouch, you got me, Alice. I'm bleeding on it.

In SM&UoS (at the wedding) Bella (to Jacob): I'm just so happy you came. It makes me very happy that you came. When did you decide to come?

Alice: Come with me, Bella.

Edward: The Volturi are coming.

Vladimir: And hope we get lucky.

In SM&UoS, Vladimir: They did come., Stefan: All of them, together.

Edward: I have something more to offer.

**Super Bear:** Oh, the cringe-worthy, trying feebly to be funny, times. Here are some of Stephenie's lame jokes *takes a shot*:

Edward: No blood, no foul.

Edward: So you faint at the sight of blood? *chuckles*

Bella: Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.

Bella: Will you turn into a bat?

In SM&TRC: Bella: *attempts lame joke by pretending to be scared of Edward*, Edward: *attempts to lamely play along to lame joke, causing overall lame attempt at humor.

Bella: Well, it's no irritable grizzly bear.

In SM&TRC: Bella: Vampires like baseball?, Edward: It's the American pastime.

Bella: Don't I taste as good as I smell?

Bella: This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen.

Bella: So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?

Bella: Do you think there's some mutated grizzly out there?

Alice: Well, that's ironic. It's St. Marcus' Day.

Bella: Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.

Bella: We're a bit sensitive to blood around here.

Embry: Hey, vampire girl!

Edward: Technically, I can't ever sleep with you.

Edward: Your little stunt with the rock nearly gave me a heart attack, and that's not the easiest thing to do.

Alice: Didn't break the skin. Trust me.

Bella: I'll be the one in white.

Jasper: Just a few mountain lions. A couple grizzly bears.

**Super Bear:** *browsing very smutty and disturbing fanfics* Let's not judge now, we all know after a few drinks, some of these pairings have crossed our minds. Here are the Unconventional Ships that seemed to happen in the Renegade Characters:

Bella/Jacob

Edward/Mike

Alice/Bella

Esme/Bella

Charlie/Alice

Dream!Bella/Victoria

Sam/non-consensual harem

Jessica/Lauren

Edward/Charlie

Aro/Edward

Aro/Carlisle

Aro/Marcus

Aro/Bella

Aro/Alice

Aro/Mike

Aro/Amun

Aro/Renesmee

Aro/Garrett

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* So, Aro pretty much gets around more than even stumblefuck Bella here.

**Aro:** Are you suggesting I'm a… floozy?

**Super Bear:** *ignoring Aro* Anyways… so continuing with the Ship list:

Stephenie Meyer/Caius

Bella/Carlisle

Charlie/Jacob

Mike/Jacob

Mike/Mike's mom/Bella

Jacob/Edward/Bella

Edward/Jacob

Rosalie/Bella

Edward/Emmett

Alice/Jacob

Peter/Charlotte/Jasper

Edward/Mr. Varner

Edward/Seth

Charlie/Renee

Tanya/Edward

Tanya/Bella

Bella/Bella

Bella/Mr. Jenks

Garrett/Kate

Felix/Bella

Tanya/Caius

**Super Bear:** *shudders and takes tequila shot* So wrong, yet so right. Here are all of the sexual laws broken:

Necrophilia

Statutory Rape

Polygamy

Incest

Pedophilia

Bestiality

**Super Bear:** No it's not everyone in the series, but it is quite a few…

**Edward:** Hey!

**Edward's balls:** Well, it is true…

**Super Bear:** I give you: People Who Mistake Edward for Gay:

Jacob

Mike

Bella

Emmett

Charlie

Jasper

Aro

Marcus

Alice

Carlisle

Renesmee

Caius

Tanya

Edward's balls

Edward

**Super Bear:** Random documents that made their way into the series:

All 4 novels, of course

Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass

"Why I Should or Shouldn't Become a Vampire" list

Bella's Ultimate Martyrdom Plan

"Bella's an Irrevocable Chagrin Fucktard o' Love" list

Humor for Dummies

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* So… I guess that's the end of it. Browniechadowes asked me to give a special thanks to all of those who have been with her throughout the whole series, especially kinolaughs, LaniLynne, and Kayanne.

**browniechadowes:** *passing shots out to all devoted readers* And I am definitely up for suggestions for another story. If you leave me a review with a suggestion, I'll mull it over. And be sure to check out my other story, Self-inflection and Sysygies… I'm revamping (haha no pun intended) Bella, big time.

THANKS FOR READING & REVIEWING! 


End file.
